I am very intentionally staying positive right now. I am slapping a smile over gritted teeth and telling myself not to get upset. I knew when I started this blog that there would be hiccups from time to time. We are enrolled in Life 101, there are quizzes along the way and we don't get a syllabus at the beginning of the class. I was listening to an Anthony Robbins CD once upon a time and he was talking about positive thinking. He issued a challenge to listeners to maintain a positive thought process for 3 weeks. If a negative thought pops up make a conscious change immediately. If at any time in those 3 weeks you allow the negativity to spiral you have to start all over for another 3 weeks. Then he issued a warning. Whenever you make a declaration that you will only think positive thoughts you can expect, sometime within the 1st week, that something really negative will happen! I don't care how you label it, whether you want to call it a test of resolve and faith from the Powers That Be to see just how committed and serious you are or whether you want to call it Newton's 3rd Law of Motion (every action has an equal and opposite reaction) or whether you want to claim that the negative energies that thrived on your previous deep blue funk just won't go without a fight, it happens!
So what happened? My child support didn't show up. I usually get a deposit notice via email on Tuesday before the deposit is credited on Wednesday. I have received neither deposit nor notice. I looked up to the sky and asked, "Seriously?" I'm trying not to freak out. On occasion it has been late and come on Friday, but only rarely. I haven't heard from "Father of the Year" since 2004 so I have no clue what's going on. The only reason I figured it was safe to assume he was still alive was because the support was still coming. That is currently my only source of steady income.
Hhmmmm...what to do what to do? I have honestly spent all day battling my brain. There is abundance all around me. It grows out of the soil, it falls out of the sky and flows in the streams, it changes hands in varying quantities all over the place so there is plenty to go around. I have to remember to breath, relax, remain open to new avenues and new possibilities. I'm trying, Heaven help me, I'm trying!
Financial stability has been one of the biggest hurdles I deal with, equal in size and scope to my weight battle. It is one of those things that has the potential to make me panic and react. It is one of the reasons I stayed in bad relationships and jobs longer than I should have, tolerated being mistreated (because I was [am] afraid I can't survive on my own) and second guessed my own decisions. I asked for a Quantum Leap, I guess I can't make one without first trusting that there is abundance out there to leap into.
So as I started to lose my grip on my positive affirmations (I can tell it's happening when my emotional turmoil turns into physical chaos and I end up in the bathroom for a variety of maladies....so much for keeping on extra water weight for the weigh in Thursday night!) I did the only thing I could think to do at 10:30 pm. I filled tub with hot water and Epsom salts, got in and scootched all the way down so I was laying flat on the bottom of tub, submerged right up to the corners of my eyes. I ignore the fact that I look like a raw turkey that needs basted, let my ears fill up with water until everything in the world is muted out except for my heart beating and the air going in and out of my lungs. Only in that womb-like state, warm and wet and floating in relative silence, can I focus my mind back to where I need it to be.
The fact is there are far worse things that can affect me than money. There are much larger issues I could be facing and I am grateful that I am not. I have a healthy body, a sound mind (depending who you ask), I have arms and hands that work, I have a kid who loves me and friends and family who support me. There is always a way.
I reject your reality and substitute my own!
Sara Smile
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