Conviction

It's funny how we can have such serious convictions in one area but falter relentlessly in others.  Or maybe it's just me.  For instance, I have no qualms about walking into a supposedly haunted or paranormally active home or room and taking a look around.  I've even cleansed homes and rooms with prayer and reiki knowing the dangers of such things.  However, a box of donuts sends me into fits of emotional turmoil.  Ghosts I can handle.  Pastry leaves me shaking in the corner. 

I grew up in haunted houses, terrified of the dark and what might be in it.  I also grew up overweight, terrified of being made fun of. Why does one struggle early in life lend us strength and conviction and another leave us feeling weakened and small?  Maybe it's so we know what it feels like in one area so we can duplicate it in that Universal Life Struggle set of lessons we signed up for when we came down here.  Maybe it's to learn balance.  Maybe it's to give me something to blog about late at night.

I remember when I stopped being afraid of the darkness.  I was laying in bed, feeling something scratching my leg where nothing should have there to scratch it.  I was exhausted and desperately needed sleep and this 'thing' was keeping me up.  In my grumpy-ass, sleep deprived state of mind I finally had an "Oh HELL no" moment and demanded it leave me alone...like a wimpy kid finally standing up to the playground bully.  But how do you stand up to food?  Food is sustenance.  Food is fun.  Food is everywhere.  Is it even remotely the same thing?  I think not.  But I figured out how to be strong in the face of an intangible terror, shouldn't I be able to somehow translate that to my fear of feeling those emotions I stuff down with food the same way I used to squeeze my eyes shut and hide under a blanket? 

One thing I have figured out is that life gives us a never ending sheet of Practice Problems just like in Math class.  It's like the Universe is saying, "You wanted to learn long division, so here's a page of long division problems.  Now carry it around with you and practice using your skills to figure them out.  Some of them are tricky!  Don't forget to ask for help."  I guess, after all this time and practice, I still need work on my long division, so to speak.  I know I don't always review my knowledge or ask for help when I should.  Perhaps THAT is the bigger part of the lesson than the long division (or the ghosties or the evil donuts).  There is a lot of power in the simple act of releasing the need to be afraid of something, even before the courage to defeat it kicks in. 

My dear friend recently told me to "Stop Telling the Story."  That means to stop associating yourself with a piece of the past and reliving those emotions and labels stuck to it like gum on your shoe.  It happened, now thank it for its lessons and release it.  It's beautifully simple, isn't it?