Day 85: The Law of Least Effort

Nature's intelligence functions with effortless ease...

with carefreeness, harmony and love.

And when we harness the forces of harmony, joy and love ,

we create success and good fortune with effortless ease.

- The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra

I fell away from writing and keeping track because I have felt like my efforts have failed.  My Quantum Leap has been anything but and I have been frustrated (and rather grumpy about it) for quite some time.  I simply didn't know what to do about it.  I felt like the harder I tried the worse things seem to get and I figured, "Hell, why bother trying if it will only get worse."

I went to the trusty Public Library for an iced coffee and hopefully a copy of the book "The E-Myth Revisited".  It was recommended to me by a friend who is doing quite well on the financial and investment fronts.  As usual, what I thought  I was looking for turned out not to be what I apparently needed.  Instead, right there in the middle of the business section was this conspicuously out-of-place little book by Deepak Chopra (whom I loooooove).  It is a small book with 7 short chapters.  And possibly the most pivotal book I've read in years, rivaled only by Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav which helped to bring me up from post-partum depression and grief from the mess of a life I found myself in at the time.

Basically the gist of what I've been doing wrong is simply this....I've been trying too damn hard.  I come from a frame of mind that obstacles need to be punched through, torn down, cursed at and stomped on.  I am absolutely guilty of walking into a situation with a pre-conceived, worst case scenario already in place in my head, bracing myself for disaster and disappointment. 

On page 41 of the book he states:

Most of us, as a result of conditioning, have repetitious and predictable responses to the stimuli in our environment.  Our reactions seem to be automatically triggered by people and circumstances, and we forget that these are still choices that we are making in every moment of out existence.  We are simply making these choices unconsciously.

My natural reaction is that life has to be struggled through.  That's what I've lived from the moment of my birth to the very act of getting out of bed this morning.  I came into this world pre-mature, a C-section damn near by flashlight thanks to a Somerset blizzard, and spent many days and nights in the hospital with jaundice, infections, insanely high fevers, etc.  As a family we've been broke, screamed at, smacked, teased, belittled at home and at school.  I was painfully shy and paralyzingly self-conscious so social situations always have a stain of panic and paranoia for me.  At one point in time, and I know I've mentioned this before, my family was technically homeless for a month and a half the summer of my Junior year of high school.  My knee-jerk reaction to everyday life has always been, even in the best of times, "What's going to go wrong next?"  So I psych myself up, go balls to the wall and try to POUND my Intentions out of the Universe.  I can hear Dr. Phil now...."How's that workin' for ya?"

It's not.  Clearly, it's not.

Since the weight loss challenge began I have gained 11 lbs, lost 7 of it in one week only to gain 6 again the next week.  Not only did I not get a job but my child support 'went away' as well and shows no sign of returning.  I've had to come to terms with the fact that a few of my relationships that I've been holding onto are not what I was hoping they would be.  That was hard.  Harder than a lot of other realizations and I have been experiencing a certain sense of grieving over the loss, not of a friend, but of my projected ideals. 

So what's a girl to do?  According to what I read, there are 3 things:

1) Acceptance.  Acceptance of people, places, events and situations as they occur, without judgement of whether anything is 'good or bad' because the hand that moves the world pulls the switches in exactly the right order according to the decisions we've made in the past.  This moment is the culmination of all those other moments and we got here exactly the way we needed to get here according to the choices we've made.  "When you struggle against this moment, you're actually struggling against the entire universe." (p. 57)

Not only am I getting upset about a chain of events that I have played a part in putting in motion, but I am reacting to my feelings toward the situation.  Deepak says, "These are your feelings and your feelings not someone else's fault."  Damn, that means I gotten deal with this shit myself! lol

2)Responsibility.  You can't blame anyone else for your situation, including yourself.  Those things we call problems are not growling monsters under the bed, they are simply a set of circumstances and within all of those problems are the seeds of opportunity.  It is never too late to take a situation and turn it into something much more beneficial to the life you want.  I LOVE what he says on page 59. 

"Reality is an interpretation."

3)Defenselessness.  That's the hardest of the 3 for me because my reaction is a constant state of being ready to defend....myself, my opinions, my ideas, my possessions, my son.  Relinquishing the need to defend your point of view simply frees up mental and emotional energy.  It's like unplugging the TV for a week and realizing how much more time you have to get things accomplished.  I'll be honest, I'm going to have to take Deepak's word on this one because I am still in a finger-pointing, cussing and fussing kinda place.  I am getting better at reminding myself not to judge the people or situation, I tell myself to breath and be at peace but the pin-ball machine in my brain will still get the better of me.  But I will continue to work on it.

There are a lot of other things in the book.  Lots of good things in such a small package, who knew?  As I glanced through the recommended reading in the back of the book I noticed one about a whole body approach to insomnia.  Yeah, I'll be reading that one next!  I will make an effort to make less of an effort.  If that actually works I'll simply be floored. 

Sara Smile

Day 61: Greetings from your Friendly Neighborhood Insomniac

Happy Halloween and Blessed Samhain, it's 4 am, do you know where your sanity is?  I seem to have misplaced mine.

I am more than halfway through this 120 Days and where am I now?  Well, I have gained weight, lost income and am now afflicted with a nifty case of insomnia.  That's pretty much the opposite of what I've been trying to do.  I've circulated many theories and reasons why, when I TRY to improve, things seem to get worse.  Why, when I want to ask for help or be proactive about my health, I am told that I can't be seen because I was given incorrect information.  When I need money I am told I'm too broke to give money to.  My numbers on paper don't meet the requirements.  I'm frustrated.  No, I've gone beyond frustrated.  I've gone beyond depressed.  I'm straight up pissed off.  I'm tired of giving a shit.  If something were HAPPENING, if a desired result was coming from my efforts then I could find something to grab onto but right now I'm just, well, insulted.  I feel lied to.  Being honest and hard working and moral and fair, doing the right thing and standing up for my ideals, praying and trying to have faith, it just doesn't seem to work for me.  Maybe I'm not doing something right.  I'm sure someone out there has some scripture ready to do already.  Either way I've been struggling to continue to find a reason to give a shit. 

If I could put it to you in visual terms I feel like I'm on this Cosmic rubber band and I run and try to get away from where I am but then the rubber band snaps me back to where I was and the inertia of the 'snap' carries me backwards to where I started and then some.  I keep ending up back at square 1.  I'm not looking for a $100 million lottery win or fame or miracles.  I just want something to work.  I want information I can use and that will help me.  (BTW...here's a fun tidbit of info...I recently found out that when you are collecting welfare benefits the assistance office will pay for a car repair so long as you are working...had I know that I could have gotten my car fixed 3 months ago when I was still on a payroll.  That's what I get for not playing the system). 

I've been having quite the interesting dialogue with God.  I've written and erased this paragraph about 3 times.  I don't know if I want to share what I've been discussing with God.  I don't know if I have the patience or the emotional stability for the debate that would ensue.  I don't know if I am really ready to let everyone see who I really am and how I really think.  I have always held the opinion that if you really knew me you wouldn't like me as much.  I wouldn't validate something for you anymore and I have trouble dealing with the thought that people just won't like me.  Perhaps therein lies the problem.  I am not living as authentically as I should be because to do that I would end up rocking the boat.  I would lose friends, I would disappoint family and then if that happens who do I have to turn to?  On the occasions that I have expressed my truer, more repressed feelings I have been accused to being stressed out or just being a miserable bitch.  Right now, I don't have the fight in me.  I can't sleep, I'm overwhelmed, I'm disappointed and I am facing the disturbing reality that I may very well not even be the 'average' that I hoped to avoid.  I wanted to be the voice of encouragement and success, the person who battled the obstacles and came out on top...but fear, instead, that I will never be more than the person reading those stories of success thinking, "I want to be like them."  My worst fear is not death.  It's that I really will end up like my parents in life...and I am seeing horrifying signs that THAT is the road I am on...yet no matter what I do, I can't seem to find an exit.  I am circling around the block.

What exactly defines the 'dark night of the soul?'  Does every person who attempted to be more than they presently were encounter this?  How do you know what is a divine challenge of your strength and what is a cosmic STOP sign?   

Day 56: Gut Feeling

If anyone is still out there checking in on this thing then thank you for hanging in.  I've once again fallen astray from my 'schedule' because, well, I just either had other things to do at 1 am (believe it or not)or I just didn't want to talk.  I tend to go to extremes as we've already established and I either keep completely to myself or I vomit every thought streaming through my brain all at once. 

Recently, however, I worry that I've talked too much about a few things and not necessarily on here.  I got a gut feeling.  It was a strong one, the kind I've had before and later wished I'd put money on.  I'm not claiming any ESP or stuff like that, I've just been watching the body language and hearing the vocal patterns of certain people and I don't like what I see.  This is why I have so much trouble following my instincts.  I sometimes get messages from my gut that I don't like and don't want to believe.  Some of you may think I'm a negative person or that I am the eternal pessimist.  I'm actually not, not by nature anyway.  I have developed it over the course of a life time of having high hopes for personal relationships and trust for the people around me and then getting let down over and over again.  I don't have solid evidence of what I feel, I have no concrete actions on which to base my feelings, it's just a feeling.  So I've pulled back to observe.  I will be watching. 

I have a weigh in coming up on Thursday.  I didn't post last week because I gained another 3 lbs.  That's 8 lbs in 3 weeks.  Yeah, it's been a bad month on a lot of fronts.  I suppose I shouldn't take circumstances personally, I mean, I don't think there are any zebras in therapy because they just can't trust the other animals at the watering hole.  They go in, keep an eye open, learn the signs of danger and run away if they have to hoping not to be the slowest one that day.  We are just beasts of a different nature pretending we aren't. 

One thing I can't handle in people in general is dishonesty.  I am not a perfect person by any means, I'm a beast at the watering hole just like anyone else, however I come by my imperfections honestly. That's what this blog is about.  I was hoping to show myself how amazing and on track I am-but I'm not-so I will record the reality of what I am at this moment in time. 

At least I haven't given up.  I start down a path, realize it won't work and double back and try a different path.  I find obstacles and hurdles and yes, I get depressed and stressed out, but I never give up entirely.  Sure, I'm up one day and down the next but I always come back for more.  I'm trying to leave no stone unturned so to some it may look like I'm 'losing interest' or 'giving up' or 'flitting about' but I'm not so don't underestimate me.  It pisses me off. 

I guess that's all I have to say about that.

I'll try to have a more entertaining selection tomorrow.  Apparently, I'm not getting rid of this insomnia any time soon.

Day 47: Time Flies

Has it really been almost a week since my last blog post?  So much for the daily posting!  I've been falling apart on a lot of things  had set out to do.  What I had set up for myself was a LOT to do in a day and I really started to feel the heat of it.  I spent most of last week feeling slightly under the weather, you know the feeling, when there's something coming but not enough to justify staying in bed with a bottle of NyQuil.  Yeah, one of those weeks.  I skipped my weigh in.  I actually forgot about it until about 15 minutes before I should have left and I only realized it was, indeed, Thursday because my dad asked me if I had a meeting or not.  What a crap-tastic week.  I felt like I went backwards in time instead of forward. 

I went for a very long walk today.  It was one of my 4 mile loops through Timbervilla and up the back end of the Masonic Homes orchard.  I had a lot of thinking to do and some decisions to make I suppose.  I have felt like I am constantly getting pulled in so many different directions.  I still need to find an income and I still need to be a mother to my child and I still want very much to open a bakery in the near future.  So many things are crowding together in my brain I started getting stressed out and second guessing myself.  Am I really capable of doing this?  Is it possible?  Am I kidding myself? 

What I concluded was this:  There is no difference, really, between poverty and abundance-not in my mind and let me explain.  What I mean is that the ENERGY that draws in abundance is the same kind of energy that draws in poverty, it's just, well, used wrong; kind of like you're just facing the wrong direction.  I came to this conclusion when I was walking along and thinking about my brand.  By brand I mean what do the products I make (soap, scrub or edibles) evoke in the minds of the consumers, what do they stand for and does the buyer expect the products to present?  I already knew the answer to that; it's "Over the Top."  I do things in a way most people wouldn't take the time to do.  I'm not great at everything but my strength lies in taking average and modest and making it decadent.  I have lots of room to grow, obviously.  So why doesn't the rest of my life reflect what I do for my products?  Hhmm, good question and therein lies the discrepancy that pulls me in 5 directions, drawn and quartered by my own lofty ideals.

The encouraging thing is that the capacity for abundance is already in place.  If I know how to draw in abject, bottom of the barrel, broke-ass poverty then I know how to draw in beautiful, decadent abundance.  I just need to flip it around.  That's all (I'm laughing at myself right now...oh, is that ALL??)  But think about it.  My life flips to extremes, right?  I am so miserable and bored being average and moderate that I somehow, subconsciously pushed my world to an extreme.  Since I didn't believe I could or know how to live in abundance I went deeper and deeper into poverty.  Makes sense to me....but then again, I have evidence that I make have gone, what's the technical term??.....ah yes, frigging crackers sometime in the past few days so I may actually be in the middle of a delusional psychotic rant.  If I am, I like it, it's nice in here.

This is one of the places I like to visit on my long walk.  It is on a path behind the Masonic Cemetery.  When this tree first fell I thought it looked like the legs of some giant, land-striding creature.  He was amputated so the trucks could get through. 

Day 41: Juan Valdez, you dirty, dirty boy!

My apologies, I have not been keeping up with the nightly blog.  Technical difficulties abound.  Some interesting things have happened in the past few days so drag up a rock and I'll tell you about them. 

Saturday night a group of friends and I went to Gettysburg to do a Ghost Tour....super excited, been wanting to do one for a very long time and we were going to the Farnsworth house which is exactly the spot you want to go to in that town.  It is one of the heavily investigated places for nationally televised ghost hunting shows.  Anyway, we couldn't get into a tour group until 11:00 pm so while we waited be decided to go on another, cheaper (oh hind sight!) tour up the street.  I wish I remembered the name of the shop where we bought the tickets so I could specifically tell you what NOT to spend your money on.  It was a $7 trekk up and down the freakin alley behind the house.  It was positioned somewhere between the Rupp House and the Dobbin House...I know because we 'toured' their parking lots!  At one point we moved off the alley to a muddy creek bed that supposedly was filled with the bodies of dead and dying soldiers.  We got the stink eye from a competing tour group because we didn't have 'permits' to enter onto private property...btw, that private property was a grass patch behind a garage.  Worst.  Tour.  Ever.  Our group kept getting smaller and smaller as we wandered from one parking lot to another...for an hour and a half.  I kid you not.  90 minutes up and down a heavily trafficed alley.

Later we got to sit down in the pub of the Farnsworth House and have some munchies and drinks.  They actually have a lot of the props left over from the filming of the Gettysburg movie on display.  The Farnsworth ghost tour was much better and started out in the basement of the house.  It was very, very creepy down there and would have been even more awesome had we not been 'visited' by a pair or drunks who were sipping booze from their Coke bottles.  They were beyond drunk, they were flammable!  We got to spend some time in the woods just below the cemetery and that had the potential to be really creepy, too.  It was a perfect night out...perfect temps and nothing in the sky but stars and a crescent moon!  But it's hard to get in the mood and really listen and feel what is around you with 25 camera flashes going off.  I have to give props to the tour guides, they were very good at their jobs and one of them finally told the drunks to chill out.  So that was a good time.  Aaannnddd...I got to test drive a brownie recipe I've been stewing over.  It was a mocha brownie with a pumpkin cheesecake swirl.  It was good but there's room for improvements.

That brings me to my next interesting point.  McDonalds coffee.  Love the stuff.  Juan Valdez is my sugar daddy and he treats mama nice. But when the chick at the drive through not only notices that you didn't order you're regular item but feel comfortable enough to comment on it, it's time to quit the habit.  At least at that drive thru. haa haa  No, seriously, I loves me some java but it really isn't good for you in larger quantities.  Caffeine causes blood sugar to spike and drop rapidly leaving your head feeling wired and fuzzy and grumpy and it also leeches calcium out of the bones.  A lot of caffeine also interferes with the body's ability to absorb Vitamin D properly as well.  One or 2 normal sized cups a day is not that big of a deal but I don't have 1 or 2 cups, I have the whole friggin pot.  I rationalize it by saying that since I don't use sugar in it anymore it isn't as bad...which is true...but it still isn't as great as a cup of mint tea or just clean, clear water.

No matter what eating plan, detox or routine I have done the hardest thing for me to give up is coffee.  I really just enjoy it.  Some people have a glass or wine or a cold beer, I like a mug of coffee, especially in a book store at a table leafing through some interesting reading a material.  It's an atmosphere, a moment in time, a snapshot of relative peace and quiet.  But I shall try to reign it in.  This just may be the excuse I've been looking for to finally buy a Keurig single-cup machine.  Yeah!   New toy!

Let me hear from all of you.  What are your vices?  What little bit of food Heaven simply talks dirty to you when ever it is nearby?

Sara Smile

Day 37: Thinner (or not) Thursday #4

Yikes!!  I don't even want to blog about the epic FAIL I experienced this week on the scales.  I'm gonna play the 'period' card for at least half of this travesty.  I actually GAINED 5 pounds this week.  Yup, 5 fat pounds.  I didn't want to blog about it or even GO to the weigh in.  I could have faked an injury, told people I pulled a hammy rescuing a kitten from a run away tree or something.  I knew things weren't good.  You know how I knew?  Because every time I bend over my underwear rolls down under neath my belly flab.  How much sexier can I get?  I mean really?  I am as swollen as the tick I yanked off my ungrateful cat yesterday.  If Starbucks Caramel Macchiatos were a living creature, I'm pretty sure I'd be stuck face first into its side with my engorged rear end saluting the world as it rolls by right now, waiting for an enormous pair of tweezers to abruptly end my snack.

Like I said, I'm  going to pull the period card for at least half of that.  Add at least 1 pound in retained fluids from salt cravings.  It rained a lot so I didn't do much.  I'm not saying that's an excuse.  Most of the group lost weight this week and 2 of our members are on Prednizone and they still managed to drop some weight.  My schedule got thrown to the wind this week and I let it get the better of me.  I know this is a symptom of my own self-defeating behaviors...going the opposite direction from where I want to be.  Instead of a quantum leap I seem to have managed a quantum trip over my own feet. 

I'm embarrassed and pissed at myself and just wanting to scream.  I'm having some issues with this school-issued computer and I can't figure out why.  I routinely erase cookies, temporary files and the history plus I just ran a virus scan.  No major viruses, just a few PUPs that I deleted as well.  But this things seems to take forever to load the page and then all of a sudden it'll be fine.  It may be my Internet provider, Century Link, but I'm not sure.

On top of that I have been researching the potential money needed to open my own small bakery and I am overwhelmed.  I feel like what ever track I was on just derailed and I don't know what I'm doing again.  I have a hard time processing my emotions or even simply sorting through facts without getting anxious.  So every time I come upon something I don't understand or is unfamiliar I feel like I'm dangling from a window.  Being conscious of my eating and thought process takes over such a huge part of my brain and energy that when something else comes up that invades that space I have this sensation that I can't do everything and something has to get set on the back burner.  I KNOW I shouldn't put my own health on the back burner so please don't leave comments as such...like I said before, I'm tired, not stupid.  All I can do is chalk it up to a learning experience and try to do it better next week. 

I hope that things start turning around for me.  I pray that they do.  I know my problems are inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.  Only in America can we sit around complaining that we had too much food and free time to do NOTHING and got fatter as a result.  I am just anxious to get myself to a place where I feel good, where I feel like I'm not embarrassed to run into people from high school or college because I don't want them to ask me what I'm doing these days.  I know what I want and I have a pretty good idea how to get there and I get really pissed at myself when I can't seem to make it all happen the way I want it to. 

Anyway, that was my Thinner Thursday blog.  Not happy about it but I'm here to be honest and transparent.

Sara Smile

Day 34: Shifting and Sifting

I'm not even sure when the last time I posted was.  The weekend was pretty cool, I must say, but the last 4 or 5 days have come with a shifting and a sifting of ideals.  You can't walk down the street around here without tripping over a soap maker so I have been spending a lot of time thinking about how to create a distinct brand.  My pal, Hildy, and I made a trek to Spoutwood Farms in Glen Rock.  We didn't get 100 ft inside the festival without seeing 3 soap vendors set up.  It's not a bad thing, it's just food for thought.  It was a great trip because we've been wanting to get down there and check it out.  They host The Fairy Festival the first weekend in May and I considered getting a stand there but the cost is kinda, well, shocking, for the size of the place.  However it is exactly the right demographic.  But I think the tide on Shugified is turning slightly from the main event to more of a sideline.  It's not going anywhere, but I think Shugified needs to come back to the basics from which it sprang...a sideline to my baking.  It was inspired by my love of natural, real food and the decadence my baking has become known for.  So it shall become a gift item sold in my bakery which, hopefully, will come to fruition quickly. 

Yes, kids, I've finally relented and put the food business in motion.  I've been fighting it tooth and nail.  The last thing I wanted to worry about were the trappings of the food service business.  But I've had my last gummy croissant and over baked cookie from local grocery store bakeries.  It's time for The Kitchen Witch to step forward and show these shameful frozen and assembled pastry chop-shops what dessert is supposed to taste like.  The thing is, I know how to cook, not how to run a business but I'll figure it out.

There are other things on my mind, strange things that I'm not sure everyone or anyone would understand.  It comes from being a writer, I guess, or maybe writing is just how I know how to relate to the way my brain twitches and heaves.  As I was laying in Hildy's guest room, my son safely tucked away with his aunt and cousins, I had one of those feeling I get when I think I need to start writing something down.  It was the way the window looked, the way the light from the lamp outside sprayed out around the gap between the window and the pull shade, the way a factory somewhere in the distance droned on.  It seemed familiar but I didn't know if it was a memory or not.  I laid there looking at it, searching my brain, trying to pick up the resonance of the feeling.  I know enough about my writing process to know that it is this feeling that will lead to a silent movie in my brain.  Once that silent movie turns into a voice over, my voice narrating something about that movie, is when I know I need to start writing things down.  That voice over sounds just like me but is far more eloquent than the voice I use to speak out loud.  It's interesting when it happens that way, when there is no struggle, just words following a scene and a feeling.  As I continued to lay there the silent movie never started only, stutters of snapshots, like someone quickly flipping through a photo album.  I couldn't nail anything down.  When I finally fell asleep my dreams were dark and industrial, with brick buildings an fire escapes dripping night air onto dark alley pavement.  The dreams came in fits and sections as they are want to do.  The only other very distinct thing I dreamt about was buying a house.  It was a brick rancher but in all honesty the 'feeling' of the property was that of my old elementary school in Mastersonville.  I bought this house yet the spirit of the previous owner flickered in and out.  Sometimes he was there and sometimes he wasn't but I knew he was bad news.  He put on a nice front but he was bad.  I knew that one of his kids was considered 'kidnapped' but in the omniscient dream mind I knew he had killed his son.  In one instance, when he had flickered back out and I was once again proprietor of the house, I started pulling up the poured-cement sidewalk and I found corpses and skeletons, dressed in rotting, shredded clothing in shallow graves beneath the sidewalk.  Something about them reminded me of those horrible outdoor decorations of children with their backs to the street, as though they are on a perpetual time-out day and night.  It was wicked and sickening and awful.  I'm not sure where the dream came from....too much TV or too much Stephen King or something in my brain that needs to come out.  I don't know.  Well, I mean, I do know.  I've never had a problem understanding what my dreams mean, the vividness of it, however, has left me unsettled. 

And with that I shall bid you goodnight.  Sweet dreams, my friends.  (maniacal laugh)

Sara Smile

Day 30: Thinner Thursday #3

THE WINNER OF THE MERLOT CANDLE IS......HEATHER DRUMM!!!!

Congratulations, Heather.  Make sure you head over to the Pour Daddy's Facebook site and thank them for the sweet sweet discount they gave me so I could afford the purchase. lol

Now, on to new business.  As you may know, Thinner Thursdays are my weight in days at the weight loss challenge.  I was worried, more worried than last week because, as of 2 days ago, I was UP 4 lbs from last week's weigh in weight.  On the scale at the challenge tonight I was -0.8 lbs from last week's weight of 222.8 lbs.  That means I lost not only the 4 lbs from 2 days ago but also another .8 on top of that.  I went up in weight due to poor choices and stress and overwhelm but I got 'The Fear' in me and got it done.  If I can keep this momentum I will hopefully lose 4 or 5 lbs for next week.  That would take me out of the 220s and that much closer to Onederland, as we like to call it in the business (below the 200lb mark into the 190s).  I look forward to putting the 200s behind me instead of on my behind.  I haven't been below that mark since Kenny's 1st Birthday....he is now 11.  You do the math.

I can honestly say struggled with choices.  I took Kenny to the mall this week for sneakers and wanted to go to Arby's and devour a Cheddar Melt, snarf down a Cinnabon and then hit Starbucks for some stomach cramping concoction.  Why?  Dunno.  Pissed.  Annoyed.  Wanted to sooth some inner child that is sick of having to work so hard to care.  Of course it's counter productive.  Of course it's not the way to live.  Of course I KNOW people love me and I get in my own way.  I'm not stupid.  I'm tired.  But that it's any reason not to make a better decision.  Apathetic people piss me the hell off yet when it comes to myself I get...maybe not apathetic, but numb.  To make a continuous set of positive choices takes a level of deliberate intention that is kinda exhausting to me.  I had a curly fry dipped in horsey sauce before I realized what I was doing. And I did have 2 bites of Kenny's Cinnabon but that was it.  What actually stopped me from becoming an American carnivore was boots...knee high leather boots in the women's shoe department at Kohl's.  Yes, I'm that shallow.  Self-esteem, inner strength, self improvement, blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda.  I wanna wear the cute boots that I have never been able to zipper over my chunky, ashy calves.  And I want to buy them in a women's shoe store, not the drag queen section of Payless.  So I dealt with it and pulled it out.

So that was that and we will start all over tomorrow morning. 

Sara Smile

Day 28: Reset

I didn't do any blogging over the weekend because I really couldn't put into words what I was thinking.  That says a lot coming from me. I usually can always think if somethnig to say.  I actually spent most of the day Sunday watching movies and hanging out with Kenny.  I watched Shutter Island, Percy Jackson and the Olympians and Prince of Persia (yum!).  Yes, I was being lazy and unmotivated.  Yes, there are a lot of things I could have been doing that were more productive toward my goals.  But I didn't.  I allowed myself to get lost in the escapism of the movies, just thinking and watching and experiencing the stories through that open window we call the screen.  I was actually really sorry to have Shutter Island end because it was so compelling and interesting, the time period and scenery were unbelievable.  I'm still trying to figure out what actually happened at the end.  It really did me some good to allow the pressure I put myself under to ease a bit, to not be anything other than a spectator.  It helped to hit the reset button.

Last week was not great.  Kenny sick, we fell behind on school work, didn't get hardly anything done I wanted to get done, child support did not come again, focus on my weight goals waned in and out and I got really frustrated.  And all along side of that I'm still crunching ideas around in my brain for a way to make a business that stands out.

The good news is I seem to be getting a lump of back owed child support.  I won't hold my breath for next week, I'll just have to be careful with what I have for now.  I'm thankful it came because Kenny has out grown the sneakers I bought him with the weigh in money I won in the spring.  It's getting cold out there and flip flops just aren't going to cut it much longer.  I also think I hit upon a good business angle which I won't go into right now.  I want to keep smoothing it out and working the reality into my ever so high ideals.  It is a somewhat major shifting of gears but I think it'll be more lucrative than the way I was going at it before. 

I also took a break from educational reading and business enlightenment and sank my teeth (pun intended) into Salem's Lot by Stephen King.  Love me some Stephen King.  Why?  Because he gets inside your head and stays there.  I read It in the 7th grade and to this day I won't walk over a storm drain if I can help it.  They all float down there.  Freakin clowns.  King is just a fantastic story teller.  I will have to make sure I rent the movie from Netflix.  Vanessa and I tried to watch it many times when we were in high school but we could never get past the part where the vampire kid is floating outside the window.  lol  They usually screw up Stephen King books when they make them into movies but I want to see it anyway.  I get really attached to his characters and I want to see how they are portrayed in the movie, who plays them.   

I guess now I just keep plugging away.  Keep on chugging until some of these crazy ideas if mine become habit and bigger, better things happen all the time.  I've had more than my share of trials and I'm fed up quite frankly.  I want a better way and a life that I wake up looking forward to, not one I have to talk myself into dealing with.  So keep your fingers crossed for me and don't forget to leave a comment on last Thursdays blog telling me what your favorite fall scent is and what it reminds you of.  It puts you in the running for a free Merlot soy candle from Pour Daddy's.

Happy Hump Day, Everyone!

Sara Smile

Day 24: New and Improved

The look of the blog has changed a little bit and there is a reason for that!  I added 2 new pages to this blog for your reading pleasure. 

1st I added a recipe page called Eat It! where I will list recipes that I use for my weight loss plan.  You can find it under the Quantum Leap Frog banner at the top of the page.  I have 2 recipes on there now and a few more that I want to put up.  My recipes tend to be a little off the wall because I follow the beat of a slightly different dieting drummer.  I am sensitive to wheat and gluten so I am always looking for alternatives to flour.  I'm lactose intolerant so whey protein leaves me doubled over in pain and I simply won't do soy protein because I, personally, believe it is bad for the thyroid in large quantities.  I use alternatives for those too.  So if you would like to try some of the recipes on my blog and can't find the ingredients in your local super market I have created an Amazon store with a lot of harder to find ingredients already found for you.  The Amazon store has 2 categories:  Reading & Audio (it contains the media I am using along the way towards a new and improved Sara) and a Pantry (food items).  The Amazon store is the reason the blog now looks different.  I had to reconfigure the layout to give the store the space necessary to function properly. 

The store and recipe pages will be updated pretty regularly so make sure to check in on them from time to time.  You never know when you'll find something you like.  I used the Amazon store on another blog I follow and I was really impressed with how it functioned, so imagine my excitement to realize I could make my own on this blog!  It's pretty cool.

Now back to the reason we're all here:

Today I tried to get back into some kind of groove.  I needed to get Kenny back into school work (we'd taken a few days off), get myself back onto a better eating track and try to just get some things done.  I have yet to get done all of the items on my self-imposed Quantum Leap work list in 1 day.  I usually get the blog and the gallon of water in, sometimes the reading but other things just come up or I just shut down and need to veg out to let my brain unwrap itself from the knot it gets into around my brain stem.  Today I did manage to get a fantastic beef stew on the stove, drank my water, tried to multi-task but alas, my hitch sputtered out of my giddy up before the daylight did.  Making sure Kenny gets all his meds in at appropriate times interrupts my thoughts and I have been sitting up late at night listening to him breath in his sleep to make sure the cooler night air isn't making his chest tighten up.  I hate it when he's sick.  I'd rather be sick myself than hear him not be able to breath properly.  I had the Swine Flu last year so I know how it feels to not be able to breath without wheezing.

Kenny, however, thinks it's pretty cool to have a medical apparatus.  He can't wait to show it to his cousin who is diabetic and needs to carry supplies with him where ever he goes.  Hopefully the novelty will wear off and he will prefer to be healthy again.  I'm not a huge fan of General Medicine and not one to immediately lean on the medical industry unless I have to so I am not as enamoured with his antibiotics and inhaler as he is.  I have to keep Motrin on hand for the headaches he gets after using the inhaler and Benedryl in case he starts getting hives from the antibiotic.  He's allergic to certain types.   So right now he's pumped full of a variety of different chemicals and medicines and that makes me nervous.  The human body is too delicately balanced to be bombarded haphazardly with this and that the other thing the doctor adds to the list.  I think part of the reason we are all so sick and out of balance is because there is so much 'stuff' in our environment building up in our bodies and compounding into general maladies and eventually larger issues.  It's a little scary!  Did I mention he got 4 booster shots at his physical, too?  I am not sure on which side of the fence I stand on the Inoculation Debate.  I don't know who to believe about the nature of the medicines, how they are processed and what problems they can actually cause.  I've read the literature but there isn't conclusive evidence one way or the other that satisfies the nervous mommy in me. 

I sometimes wish there was a parenting manual that got sent home with you from the hospital...but then again it would probably have been published by corporate entity owned collectively by Monsanto, BP and drug manufacturers.  Who's to say the information wouldn't have been a very long print ad for their methods and products?

Speaking of Big Business, here's something interesting I learned from my Organic Gardening magazine.  Don't use recycled tires as planters....not even if you think you are being green.  And don't use shredded rubber from tires around your playground areas or near your garden.  Why?  Because as the sun and weather slowly wears away at the material, heavy metals used in the tired production process are leeched into the ground, into your soil and eventually into the ground water supply.  Nice, huh?  It pays to be informed. 

Until tomorrow, my friends...have a Happy Saturday!

Sara Smile

Day 23: Thinner Thursday #2

First things first.  Weigh in was tonight and what is the verdict?

-4 lbs

I was down exactly 4 lbs from last week bringing my weight down to 222.4.  I was really hoping for a double digit however I knew going into it that it probably wasn't going to happen.  I did a lot of stress munching and I knew I was not on top of my game.  4 lbs is good especially in a downward progression.  But to me it is a little bit average.  I'm looking for 'quantum leaps' here, not 'good enough steps' so I will have to look back at my week and try to find a better groove.  One advantage I have over everyone else in the group is time on my hands so there is no reason I shouldn't be able to kick this out.  I need to stay the hell out of my own way and stop over complicating things.

2nd order of business:  who won the lip balm?  Why is was Anonymous Amy!  Congratulations Amy ( FB me with your address!).  If you did not win this time don't fret!  Why?

Because I have another item to give away!  I mentioned it in yesterday's post but if you missed it let me fill you in.  What I have up for grabs this week is a fabulous Pour Daddy's hand poured soy candle.  It is 6 oz of Merlot-scented goodness and it is up for grabs.  All you have to do is post a comment with your name in it telling me what your favorite fall scent is and what memories it brings you!  I love the Merlot scent because it reminds me of fall nights with good friends at the Nissley lawn concerts. 

You can find Pour Daddy's on their Facebook site or at
      -Root's in Manheim on Tuesdays
      -Hershey Farmer's Market (across the road from the medical center) on Thursdays
      -Saturday's Market in Middletown on Saturdays
      -various craft shows and fairs around the area (see Facebook site for details)

Post your comment entries here and then look for Thinner Thursday #3 next week to see if you won!

Sara Smile

Day 22: Tomorrow is Judgement Day

So tomorrow night is my weigh in.  I've been tracking myself on my own scale here at home but my scale is usually a few pounds heavier than theirs, plus the challenge weighs in at night which will affect generally increase your weigh simply because you've been eating, drinking and retaining all day long.  I have done well this week, however I don't know if I've done the phenomenal job of it I was looking to do.  Life is stressful sometimes and doesn't always go according to plan.

My son has been sick much of the week and yesterday afternoon was spent at the doctor's office while he sucked on a nebulizer.  We left with 3 prescriptions: 2 for in inhaler and spacer and 1 for antibiotics for a blooming ear infection.  He hasn't had an ear infection since I pulled him from public school 2 years ago!  His blood pressure was elevated, probably from being dehydrated (nurse said his lungs were probably drawing moisture from his body to facilitate the phlegm production) which also gave him a wheezing cough, hence the inhaler.  It's scary.  Not as scary as watching ER attendants set his broken arm 2 yrs ago but still, you never want to see your child suffer.  Food choices were not fantastic yesterday and I caught myself 'stress munching' and just wanting to nosh on something in general.  I had waaaay too much coffee and I could tell I was getting dehydrated.

I am already grateful for my insurance benefits and food stamps, but never so much as I am now.  Paying for a doctor's appointment, medicine and Gatorade and OJ to get him rehydrate would have cost every cent I have.  I still have not heard anything about my child support so it would have left me with nothing.  So once again, I would like to thank all of the employed tax-payers reading this blog.

I know I am not the only one out here struggling.  Last weekend we went to the Old Fashioned Days in Bainbridge and there were a lot of small businesses there with their tents set up, hoping to make a decent go of it.  Had I known about it ahead of time I would have gotten a stand there myself.  Oh well, them's the breaks, kid.  But while I was there I came across a man who makes and sells soy candles.  My dear friend Holly and I had talked to him out at Root's and as we were walking away from his stand that day I said to her, "I would like to get one of his candles and give it away on my blog."  When I stopped at his stand in Bainbridge I decided: What the hell.  It's the least I can do for all you kind people who indirectly buy my health coverage and groceries each month.  I won't give you specifics on what I bought or how to win it until Thursday night when I post my weigh in results and pick the winner for the lip balm.  However I will tell you this:  the company is called Pour Daddy's.  You can find him at Saturday's Market in Middletown, Root's on Tuesdays, and the Hershey Farmer's Market across from the medical campus on Thursdays.  You can also find him and his specific itinerary on Facebook at Pour Daddy's on Facebook.  Go check him out and come back tomorrow to see how to win!

Sara Smile

Day 20: Do You Remember? It was the 21st Day of September...

I love this song and you simply can't watch this video without smiling...great music, impeccable fashion sense!

Earth, Wind & Fire - September

My cousin posted this on Facebook today and I probably listened to it about 6 times. I was chair dancing to it with my son's headphones over my ears so I could blast it straight into my brain.  He walked into the room, stared at me, shook his head and left the room again. 

Yeah, son, your mama likes to jam.  A friend once described my preferred taste in music as 80s Pop and 70s Cheese.  I think that sums it up well.  I listen to a lot of different kinds of music but the common ground to everything I listen to is that it either delivers a fantastic message or it makes me want to snap my fingers and shake my assets.   Earth, Wind & Fire is awesome, I love me some Tina Turner and James Brown.  Gotta have my 80s classics (I'm looking at you Wham!) and my hair band rock ballads.  Metallica and AC/DC changed my brain forever.  I was positively in loooove with John Mellencamp and I really did want him to make it hurt so good because, well, sometimes love don't feel like it should.

I had wanted to take dance classes when I was a kid.  It was a natural first step towards my inevitable career as a Solid Gold Dancer.  However, I wasn't allowed.  My mom claimed that "Christians don't dance."  That was secret code for 'it's too expensive and I don't want to have to drive you anywhere.'  So I went undiscovered and unfulfilled, secretly bopping around my room in the 80s to the enormous radio I inherited from my brother.  It was decked out with a radio, a record player AND an 8-track deck.  I can remember specific times in my life according to what songs I listened to at the time.  "Manic Monday" by the Bangles reminds me of eating a hollow Easter bunny in my room.  "Wild Wild West" by the Escape Club was popular when we moved in junior high.  I remember staring at the hideous wall paper in my bedroom listening to that song.  It looked like someone had cut the pages from the 1910 Sears & Roebucks catalogue and glued them to my wall.   "Fly Like and Eagle" by the Steve Miller Band brings back memories of watching my cousin preen himself in the mirror in South Philadelphia in the early 80s.  MC Hammer reminds me of trips to Philly in the 90s.   

It's nice, sometimes, to just get lost in music, to let the sound remove all other aspects of the world for a small amount of time.  I wish I had been a better musician or could carry a tune.  I admire and envy people who can make an instrument sing or raise the hair on my arms when they hit a note just right.  My sister bought me a ticket to see Celtic Woman in the Spring and the sound of Amazing Grace coming from the bagpipes almost brought me to tears.  On the other end of the spectrum the sound of  AC/DC's "Thunder Struck" on the bagpipes at the Celtic Fling sent electricity into the air and made me want to grab some randy chap in a kilt and get pagan on his ass.  Luckily I was able to refrain.  It was but by the grace of God no one around me was wearing patchouli.  All bets would have been off. :-D  (Patchouli has an interesting effect on me, somewhat like catnip)

What is your favorite music?  How does it make you feel?  Tell me, I want to know!

Sara Smile

Day 19: Procrastination Problems

I have been procrastinating writing for the past few days for a number of reasons.  I really want each and everyday to be a revelation, at least to myself.  I want to have something to SAY that shows that yes, indeed, I am moving forward and succeeding, but I get trapped in the mundane and have trouble finding miracles in the kitchen sink. 

I hate house work.  Anyone who has ever been to my house can see that clearly.  It's not that I don't know HOW to clean, I do, and I will shine the place up right nice when I get a hankerin' to do it.  But I hate the minutia involved in housework.  I want a nice, clean, organized environment but seriously, I don't want to be the one to spend the entire day standing at the sink to make it happen.  Call me selfish, call me lazy, call me negative but I firmly believe there was a woman somewhere who would have found the cure for cancer had she not been stuck in the kitchen scraping egg yolks off the fork tines.  One day, when I get myself even a little bit of money, I am hiring a house keeper. 

I know that all things in life are connected to the other things in life so I must sit back and reflect a bit to ask myself where this comes from and whether or not it plays a role where I find myself now.  I think one of the biggest things I hate about house work is that it is a thankless job that is never done.  There will always be more laundry and more dishes and more dust and more something.  Maybe it is the artist in me but I want to finish something and see it stay done.  Cleaning up the same messes make me feel even more trapped in the same loop I've been stuck in all this time.  It's not getting better, it stays at the same level of undone.  Does that make sense? 

Weight loss is the same thing.  Paying bills is the same thing. You do all the work and it's still never done, you got to do it all again the next day and if you (I) can't find a way to do it that fulfills, then it becomes drudgery.  I will never forget a moment I had when I worked at my son's daycare center.  I was the cook there and I enjoyed the cooking, I got along fairly well with my co-workers and I loved the kids.  But the job wasn't getting me out of debt, it wasn't even keeping my minimum payments on track and my son hated being there.  We had a particularly rough morning one day, snow on the ground and my son wasn't feeling well, and I remember standing at the back kitchen door watching the cars go by thinking, "We sure do go to a lot of effort to get somewhere that neither of us wants to be."  It was a turning point.  I don't want to live a life of drudgery to earn a paycheck to pay the bills that don't stay paid so I can have a house to sleep in before I go back to work to make the money to pay for the house.  It is insanity to me.  I've worked since I was 17, I put myself through college, I worked full time as a single mom for many years before I was laid off at the beginning of the recession.  I even went to grad classes part-time while working full time.  Lord knows I'm no stranger to a hard day's work and I appreciate and respect people who get up and go to work everyday.  I just think we are all missing out on something. 

I realize I am idealistic.  I acknowledge it is easy to sit back and wax philosophical about my earning potential with someone else paying for the roof over my head.  Trust me people, and many others out there can vouch for me on this, if I could pay for my own roof I'd leave here with my purse and the clothes on my back, shoes optional.  But I refuse to be exhausted, unfulfilled and stressed out about child care and travel if I can help it.  I tolerate too much as it is, I want what I want for a change. 

"Great," you say, "we all agree with you and wish you would go live your dreams so you stop complaining all the time."  Thank you for your moral support.  I suppose I am just having a difficult time laying down that foundation of success for myself because I have no clue what it feels or looks like.  Most people, especially the people in my immediate vicinity, are programmed to get a job that provides insurance, contribute to their 401K and hope nothing catastrophic happens between now and retirement.

I didn't go to college to get a job, I went to college to 1) get the hell out of my house and 2) to be something.  But I don't think I knew how to do that.  I didn't know how to be myself and I still struggle with that now.  I'm not sure anymore what is me and what is what I thought I should be.  I resent all the times I went on a diet or exercise plan because someone harped on me about my weight and I wanted to please them or get approval from them or at least make them shut the hell up.  I shouldn't resent anyone else for my own choices and reactions but I do and I am being honest about it.  I get pissed off when someone remarks about my 'potential' when they clearly have no clue what a struggle it has been for me just to get out of bed and deal with my life in its present incarnation.  I am to the point that I am leery of accepting a kindness from most people because, too many times in the past, when I've drawn boundaries for myself across the board, certain acts of kindness were held over my head from different people.  And that's just me being honest.  Emotions are not facts, though they often times bear the truth. 

So when you only half-way trust yourself and you only half-way trust other people where does that leave you?  Well...here, apparently. lol  And at the mercy of chaos and anxiety, prone to doubt and depression and anger that never gets resolved.  Speaking my mind often creates discord which I emotionally have a really hard time processing.  I grew up in constant tension and I f***ing hate it.  It infuriates me when my opinion is disregarded or morphed out of its original form or when I am labeled as stressed out or negative because I disagree with someone.  I have a long history of not getting along with Type A personalities because it drives me bonkers that someone in a room behaves as though their opinion or thoughts are the ones that should be heard and applied.  My own emotional filter reads their 'confidence' as 'arrogance' and I am set immediately on the defensive.

So I continue to try and figure out where that quiet place is, inside myself at least until I can find it externally, where I can trust who I am and what it is that I want and where I can let other people just be who and what they are without it compounding my own world.  I think we all struggle with this, some more than others.  I think if most people knew what it is I really think they wouldn't see me the same way ever again.  But that's a conversation for another time.

Sara Smile

Day 16: Thinner Thursday #1

Tonight was the first of 12 weigh ins for the Central PA Biggest Loser contest, Elizabethtown edition.  I'm am going to go ahead, humiliate myself and tell you what I weigh.

Hold on to your butts.  Their scale put me at 226.8 lbs.  I am 5'4" with a BMI of 39.0 (obesity grade 3 according to our chart) and a Body Fat % of 43.7%.   

When I started going to this particular group last Fall I started out at 248 lb with a BMI of 42.6 and a Body Fat % of 45.9%.  My highest weight 2 years ago was 265 lbs. 

So I've been heading downward over the past year and that's great, but now I'm greedy for success and I want more!  No more putzing around, no more sneak eating, no more "I'll walk extra miles tomorrow to make up for eating/cheating/not walking today."  No one loses 86+ lbs by doing a little bit here and there.  I have a plan that's no joke.  I won't have a whole lot of 'food fun' as I like to call it for quite awhile but hey, I've spent more than enough days of my life eating and tasting and procrastinating.  Now I want to know what it's like to be healthy and centered and full of energy.  Not to mention Stella needs to get her groove back but that's a whole other blog.

I'm afraid my plan is pretty ridiculously simple, so simple most people won't want to do it for so long.  Clean protein (chicken, white fish, lean beef, turkey), clean vegetables of the least starchy variety, lower sugar fruits, herbal tea, spices, water water water. I already know I'm sensitive to wheat and gluten (oh, ABC Water Gap Wheat beer with your twist of lemon, I miss you) and I don't do so well with dairy.  It makes me a bit snotty and gassy and bloated...how much more sexy can one person get?  So it will be treated with caution.  

I can hear the questions now:  How do you get calcium and Vitamin D without consuming dairy?  I take a coral calcium supplement and I go outside and soak up my Vitamin D the old fashioned way.  And I never use sun block...nooo, that shit'll give you cancer.

I'm looking forward to a big number next week.  Think I can hit a double digit??  Dare me...come one someone DARE me!

Seriously...leave a comment that says I Dare You with your name.  All the names will go into a hat and on next week's Thinner Thursday Blog I will pick a name.  That person will win a free Shugified Coffee Lip Balm!  So go ahead, triple dog dare me!

<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wNoUH9T/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/t/wNoUH9T/weight.png"></a>
(You should be able to leave comments even if you are not a Blogger.com member.  Let me know if you have any trouble with it.  Please make sure your name is on your comment so I know who to enter.)

Day 15: Seriously?

I am very intentionally staying positive right now.  I am slapping a smile over gritted teeth and telling myself not to get upset.  I knew when I started this blog that there would be hiccups from time to time.  We are enrolled in Life 101, there are quizzes along the way and we don't get a syllabus at the beginning of the class.  I was listening to an Anthony Robbins CD once upon a time and he was talking about positive thinking.  He issued a challenge to listeners to maintain a positive thought process for 3 weeks.  If a negative thought pops up make a conscious change immediately.  If at any time in those 3 weeks you allow the negativity to spiral you have to start all over for another 3 weeks.  Then he issued a warning.  Whenever you make a declaration that you will only think positive thoughts you can expect, sometime within the 1st week, that something really negative will happen!  I don't care how you label it, whether you want to call it a test of resolve and faith from the Powers That Be to see just how committed and serious you are or whether you want to call it Newton's 3rd Law of Motion (every action has an equal and opposite reaction) or whether you want to claim that the negative energies that thrived on your previous deep blue funk just won't go without a fight, it happens! 

So what happened?  My child support didn't show up.  I usually get a deposit notice via email on Tuesday before the deposit is credited on Wednesday.  I have received neither deposit nor notice.  I looked up to the sky and asked, "Seriously?"  I'm trying not to freak out.  On occasion it has been late and come on Friday, but only rarely.  I haven't heard from "Father of the Year" since 2004 so I have no clue what's going on.  The only reason I figured it was safe to assume he was still alive was because the support was still coming.  That is currently my only source of steady income. 

Hhmmmm...what to do what to do?  I have honestly spent all day battling my brain.  There is abundance all around me.  It grows out of the soil, it falls out of the sky and flows in the streams, it changes hands in varying quantities all over the place so there is plenty to go around.  I have to remember to breath, relax, remain open to new avenues and new possibilities.  I'm trying, Heaven help me, I'm trying!

Financial stability has been one of the biggest hurdles I deal with, equal in size and scope to my weight battle.  It is one of those things that has the potential to make me panic and react.  It is one of the reasons I stayed in bad relationships and jobs longer than I should have, tolerated being mistreated (because I was [am] afraid I can't survive on my own) and second guessed my own decisions.  I asked for a Quantum Leap, I guess I can't make one without first trusting that there is abundance out there to leap into.

So as I started to lose my grip on my positive affirmations (I can tell it's happening when my emotional turmoil turns into physical chaos and I end up in the bathroom for a variety of maladies....so much for keeping on extra water weight for the weigh in Thursday night!) I did the only thing I could think to do at 10:30 pm.  I filled tub with hot water and Epsom salts, got in and scootched all the way down so I was laying flat on the bottom of tub, submerged right up to the corners of my eyes.  I ignore the fact that I look like a raw turkey that needs basted, let my ears fill up with water until everything in the world is muted out except for my heart beating and the air going in and out of my lungs.  Only in that womb-like state, warm and wet and floating in relative silence, can I focus my mind back to where I need it to be. 

The fact is there are far worse things that can affect me than money.  There are much larger issues I could be facing and I am grateful that I am not.  I have a healthy body, a sound mind (depending who you ask), I have arms and hands that work, I have a kid who loves me and friends and family who support me.  There is always a way. 

I reject your reality and substitute my own!

Sara Smile

Day 14: Send Me an Angel

To the Anonymous Angel who sent me a card in the mail...you made me cry in the driveway.  Then I got a mental image of an angel struggling to fit wings through the doorway at the post office to buy a stamp and I couldn't help but giggle.  So thank you. ;-)

What else did today bring?  A 1/2 day of school work, a visit from a wonderful friend, a trip to Root's for walking and whoopie pies (Gobs if you're from our neck of Pennsyltucky), the final episode of Vicar of Dibley from Netflix and 60+ squares cut from scrap fabric.  I'll call it an easy and great day!  I need those from time to time.  It's days like this that recharge the old batteries and make me think that it's worth plugging through the rest of the days that aren't like this.

I talked to a candle maker at Root's today.  A lot of people have asked me if I am going to start making candles and my answer is, "Yes, eventually.  When I have more room."  That being said, I am always on the look out for a way to move out of here.  If I look at the facts on paper it is a little discouraging to say the least.  So I don't look.  lol  Yeah, I know, not proactive.  My point is that is sets me in a negative tailspin defined by limited thinking and self criticism.  I just keep asking myself, even with things the way that they are, how can I move into my own space so that my son and I can continue to get healthier mentally and physically and I can expand my operations into something that can generate a viable income?  What is the answer?  I know it's there, it has to be there.  There is always a way.  I feel like I'm stepping outside of my brain and looking into one of those I Spy books, except instead of tinker toy/doll baby chaos it's the clutter and brilliance of my own brain.  Scanning scanning, don't be so literal, what is that over there? in the shadow, no that's not it, if there's any doubt or hesitation then it's not the answer, I'll know it when I see it. 

Thinking
Thinking
Thinking

Day 13: The Answer is Right on the Tip of My Brain!

We've all had the experience when the answer to a question is right on the tip of the tongue.  You can feel it there, you just need to make sounds form around it to make it become real.  I had that experience today except it wasn't on the tip of my tongue so much as it was on the tip of my brain.  I was making chicken corn soup, which by the way, I finally wrote the recipe for.  It was one of my throw and go dishes but since part of my 'passive income' quest involves finishing my cookbook, I finally put it all on paper.

Anyway, while I was engrossed in the act of pulling chicken meat off the bone, peeling and cutting potatoes, slicing the corn off the cob my mind wandered over all the things I want to do.  It suddenly occurred to me that I knew the answer to my bigger problems.  I had this semi-tangible sensation that it was really quite simple, that it's been in front of me all along and I have been in my own way complicating things.  Now, I already knew that intellectually but at that moment a piece of the fog started to break up enough that I honestly got excited!  I stood there, waiting, waiting for the answer to pop, for that familiar sensation that comes when the word you are searching for finally materializes and you are amazed that you ever could have forgotten it.  But then it faded.  It faded as the cloudy funk-energy I live in barked in the background and I lost the connection.  DOH!  So close.  I tried to get it back the way you try to close your eyes and re-enter a good dream but apparently it doesn't work that way.  But it was there...it was just starting to take shape and then it ::poof:: evaporated again.  How frustrating.  Yet strangely energizing.  I wonder if this is how Edison felt the first time he got the slightest hint of a spark in the first rudimentary bulb.

The soup was fantastic, by the way.

I've been reading a lot of frufru 'good vibration' kind of books just because I need to get myself out of this looping tape that plays in my head.  I'm still working my way through The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent by Esther and Jerry Hicks and in it they talk very briefly about the idea of a Segment Intending Process.  I move into a new segment every time my intentions change:  if I'm cooking and the phone rings I enter a new segment as I answer the phone.  When I turned off the TV to write this blog I entered a new segment.  Their idea is this: every time I enter a new 'segment' I should take a moment to clarify my intentions for that segment.  Obviously some segments will be easier to prepare for.  If you pull into work and you know you have to talk to your boss that day you can sit in the car for another minute to pray or clarify what kind of emotion you would like from that meeting.  It's like a paving the moment in advance. 

It's not a new concept, I mean, you do this every time you say Grace before a meal.  You bow your head and apply the emotion of Gratitude upon the food provided and the Provider.  It never occurred to me, however, to do it with everything.  But it makes sense because one of my biggest issues with getting things done is letting myself get side tracked because I did not have a firm mind set about it.  I knew there were things I wanted to do but I always have this notion of, "Well, my plans never work out because something else always comes up", mostly because that is what I have always experienced.  But if I never learned to clarify my emotional intent and, most importantly, believe that my desires and activities are important and valuable enough to happen then of COURSE I won't get anything done the way that I want it to get done. 

I'm sure those of you who were born with the Goal Setting Gene firmly planted in your brains think I rode the short bus over to the computer but seriously, this is ground breaking stuff for me.  lol  So tonight, I go to sleep with the firm expectation implanted upon my squishy grey matter that I already know the answers and they come to me effortlessly whenever I need them.  I'm off to go dream a little dream.  Maybe I should get a tape recorder in case I start reciting lottery numbers in my sleep!  Awesome!

Sara Smile

Day 12: Rosie

I love Rosie the Riveter.  That's the broad with the 'guns' in my avatar picture.  When I have accomplished my weight goal I would love love love to pose as Rosie (make a hell of a Christmas card, huh?) because she is one of my inspirations.  There is a huge poster of her in the chick section of my gym; do rag tied up front, biceps popping, look in her face like, "yeah I built that plane, and I looked good doing it."  Love.  Her.  It is the essence of how I feel inside.  That's what I want to bring to the forefront. 

This week is a kinda big week, first weigh in is Thursday.  WooHoo!  Sure, I could have started my weight loss from day 1.  After all, if you are serious about something there is no 'best day' there is only 'today.'  However in this case I am playing a bit of a numbers game.  The weight loss tally goes by the percentage of pounds lost, not fat, so I kinda want to hold on to the extra 5 menstrual pounds I'm carrying around right now.  lol  Cheating?  No.  Strategy.  It's not like I'm weighing in with ankle weights on.  I can not WAIT to lose weight.  I am soooo looking forward to being able to think straight and lay on my left side without feeling like my heart is going to get squished by my body fat.  I am looking forward to seeing donuts and really not caring about them.  I know I am capable of it, I've done it before.  I am making a public declaration, more for myself than for you, This is the LAST time I am losing this weight.  I am over it, I want nothing more to do with it, I don't want the lifestyle it demands, I finally realize that I will have more by having less, in a manner of speaking!  It's funny.  Any other time I've gone on a plan to lose weight it was outwardly optimistic but inwardly I braced for disappointment.  This time I am just happy it will finally be out of the way.  I'm not even sure what it is that I weigh right now.  I will report that on Thursday, the REAL numbers, and I may even add a TickerFactory.com ticker for those of you who need pictures in your reading material.   Thursday's Blog, I shall dub thee "Thinner Thursday!" 

So I was looking around today and realized I have a lot of stuff.  Cake making stuff, candy and chocolate mold stuff, paper making stuff, scrap booking stuff, sewing stuff, workout stuff, soap stuff...I bet a whole bunch of you out there do, too.  Is there a way we could all get together and kinda....share....so that we can all help each other not only make use of our individual 'stuff' but also to get more people in the mindset to spend this holiday sharing more heartfelt gifts rather than making the CEOs of Walmart and Target richer?  I have a lot of stuff but there are things I could use to finish projects.  Sometimes, all I really need to finish a project is another person's energy doing something next to me, shared momentum, if you will.  Those of us who don't have all the know how can get help from those who, well, know how.  Where can this happen?  Who has a big room or a big basement where we could all spread out, set up 'stations' and rotate from craft center to craft center making gifts?  Has anyone ever out there ever done this before?  I don't know.  I know a girl I went to college with used to sell a line of home-party scrap booking products and she used to rent out the YMCA in Lebanon to have scrap booking parties for her customers.  I'm thinking of maybe trying to organize the same thing but with multiple craft areas.  Everyone could bring materials to add to the community chest and everyone could share, use what they need, do as much as they could there and maybe take the rest home to finish them.  I think that would be totally cool.  Anyone have any suggestions or insights?  Anyone?  Hey, how come no one is answering me?  Did Captain Trips tear through the country without me knowing about it?  (Stephen King reference...you gotta read The Stand to get it)

So hey ho, I gots to go.  I need to figure out a schedule so that my blogs don't fall into the Single Digit AM hours.  It makes mornings come very much early.  Rosie and Her Guns bid you all a good night.

Sara Smile

Day 11: Falling Behind Already!

Let me begin by saying I have bitten off one serious mouthful with this crazy scheme of mine.  Since coming up with my tentative itinerary on my last post I have yet to finish even half of my goals for the day.  I'm not giving up, oh no, not at all, I'm just owning up to my utter humanity.  My son's cyber schooling program came with a bit of a learning curve and some technical issues that I did not bank on.  We have spent the majority of our day trying to work our way through their expectation and I am, frankly, a bit frustrated and overwhelmed.  I also feel a bit mislead because the representative I spoke to at the beginning of the summer led me to believe that my son's math level (which is not up to grade level for specific reasons) would be assessed and accommodated.  Wrong!  His homeroom teacher told me on the phone that all students are placed in their grade level and the school would help them catch up if they weren't up to grade level after about a month.  I opened his math book to find that the review exercises were about 1 yr too advanced for where we ended our homeschooling math.  I have to teach him how to do the problems in the review before we can advance to the first lesson! I'm an English major, so math is not my best subject.  I'm frustrated right now, to say the least.  Overall I am happy with the program but math has me vexed.

I know that, in regards to all of the things I am trying to change in my life, I should not expect to do everything perfectly right away.  I am changing my whole LIFE, not just one habit so I should be a little bit nicer to myself.  But then there is this part of me that thinks that letting myself off too easily is what got me here in the first place. 

I have made some advancements.  Baby steps are better than no steps.  I ordered the provisions I will need for the up-coming weight loss challenge.  Awesome.  I can't wait to start losing weight.  There is this pink cotton cami that I bought about 5 yrs ago (one of those, 'Hey, if I buy something that doesn't fit it will inspire me to lose weight" purchases).  I have never worn it and I look forward to one day being able to put it on.  I also have a Feel Your Boobie t-shirt that I bought at a Ladies Who Launch outing that has never been on my body, either.  It was the biggest size they had but alas, I have tucked it away and will one day wear it.  I will be sure to take and post a picture of it when I do!  I took some 'before' pictures of myself in a bikini (yikes!) a few weeks ago but I really am not yet ready to post them.  I will post them when I no longer look like that!  I have a small fear that the picture will somehow end up on Chubby Chaser fetish porn.  Chubby Chaser....that's such an inaccurate label...pshh, we don't run!  Just out of curiosity...does anyone know how much chubby chaser fetish porn might pay?  Because I have a financial goal to worry about too. :-p

So what is it that I'm reading on my Education goal list?  First off, I'm ready The Money book for the Young, Fabulous and Broke by Suze Orman.  Love. Her.

I'm also reading The Young Entrepreneur's Edge by Jenifer Kushell.  I started it when it was first given to me awhile ago and got overwhelmed.  It's pretty far outside of my comfort zone.

So I will get up tomorrow and try once again to get my whole list done and somehow still have time to eat and pee.  Wish me luck!  And good luck to all of you on your endeavors.  Later, kids!

Day 8: What's the Plan, Stan?

Writing out an action plan for my Christmas projects inspired me to make some kind of a plan for the rest of my Quantum Leap Frog activities.  I mean, I'm a week into this thing with only 15 more to go and quite frankly, not a lot has changed.  From what I have read about making any kind of Leap it takes a long, sustained push to break through the barrier and then after that, BAM, you Leap, like the space shuttle leaving Earth.  So...I need to create a push and sustain it until something gives, right? 

(BTW, my 11 yr old son just watched me correct a fragmented sentence and exclaimed, "You little fragmetizer!"  All my home school and cyber school friends will appreciate not only the significance in him recognizing what I wrote and corrected but also the humor in that!) 

Once upon a time my previous boss gave me a packet on goal setting that broke the process down by 3s.  Dang it if I can find it now.  3 is a great number.  The Holy Trinity, 3 Stooges, 3 Wise Men, Triple Berry Smoothies...ah yes, good things come in 3.  I have 3 areas I want to improve.  It only makes sense that I make a list of 3 actions to perform on all 3 areas each day.  They need to be 3 things that I think are vital to my success.  So here we are, the breakdown:

Health
1.  Hydration-Drink no less than 1 gallon of water a day.
2.  Movement-Pilates 3X a week, Walking outside 3X a week
3.  Centering-Meditation 30 min a day,

Wealth
1.  Income-Look for new forms of income, both passive and active, for immediate use
2.  Opportunity-Work on my business plan, research potential venues, research funding possibilities
3.  Savings-Set aside 10% of income for savings, 10% for charity and save $$ by making gifts.

Education
1.  Read-Read at least 3 chapters a day of books on my 3 areas of interest
2.  Write-Write at least 3 pages about what I learned from each book each day
3.  Share-Share what I learn and think and feel, my progress and failures, each day with you on my blog.

I want to write this all out in more detail in some kind of journal or chart where I can check off each area each day.  Then I can easily see what I did, what is working for me, what needs dropped or added.  It's a lot to do in a week let alone to fit all this in on top of cyber schooling and general life-ish stuff.  But I'm juiced up and I'm ready.  I want something to happen already!  I have evidence that intentionally focusing my thoughts and feelings is working for the best.  If nothing else I am not feeling as depressed or stressed out.  It's interesting and encouraging.  I look forward to seeing what it is that I am capable of!

Sara Smile

Day 6 & 7 Recap

Day 6 found us at the PA Renaissance Faire.  Awesome.  (Day 6 left me so exhausted I didn't post on this blog.  Day 7 was so busy I'm posting 2 entries on Day 8 to make up for it.) We were there with our kids my sister and I didn't get to do a lot of shopping.  The kids wanted to do stuff and eat stuff and not sit in the sun or near bees (which were EVERYWHERE!  I love nature and all but come on!  We didn't see that many bees at Longwood Gardens or the Hershey Gardens).  One thing that surprised me was the amount of mass produced material for sale by some of the vendors.  There were hand crafted items of course but if I want to drop a wad of cash at the Faire I want something handcrafted that I can't get out of a costume catalogue.  I once bought hand blown glass at the faire.  It is a raspberry-stamped roamer(sp?).  Glass blowers of yore stamped blobs of glass around the outsides of the vessel to provide a better grip to greasy, meaty hands.  Pretty cool.  I actually use it as a flower vase. 

But it made me think about my own business.  What direction do I want it to go so that I am distinguished from the rest.  For those of you who don't know me well, I do many things but I am trying to make a go at a hand-made line of spa products, made without preservatives or dyes, using only fresh, natural ingredients and essential oils.  Brown sugar body scrubs, hand & foot salt scrubs, foot bath powders, lip balm, body spray, coffee scrubs, and cocoa scrub all grace my 'menu'.  I even hand make paper to wrap around the bars of soap.  I use juice pouches to make purses and wallets.  I want to expand the paper making to include handmade, hand bound journals.  I also recycle old clothes into quilts and costumes.  I have a lot of hobbies.  The question is: how do I include all of those things into a well defined business that carries not only the mark of a real heritage crafter but is also professional enough to be marketable.  Let's face it, hand made, artisan quality products won't carry a Wal-mart price tag. 

Thinking about Artisan crafts made me think about gifts and gift baskets.  That made me think about Christmas.  I love Christmas and part of the fun of Christmas is watching someone open a gift you chose for them.  As I was thinking about this I happened upon one of my favorite shows:  Little House on the Prairie.  That made me think about the Christmas episode...the first Christmas the family spent on the banks of Plum Creek.  If you've never seen it get it from Netflix.  It has a Gift of the Magi theme.  But in the story they are all making one another gifts.  Of course they did, who had the money to drop a wad of hard earned sustenance on store bought-en items back then, beside the Olsens?  They were lucky not to eat rocks and twigs for breakfast.  That inspired me.  I am on a mission to make hand-crafted Christmas gifts for my family and friends using materials I already have on hand here in the house.  Now, for me that really isn't too much of a stretch because I am not only a jack of all trades, I'm also a hoarder.  That bag of soda can tabs has a very real purpose and you better NOT throw away those juice pouches.  I have boxes and boxes of fabric and jeans that people have given me to sew with that I have never been able to work through in all these years.  I have stacks and stacks of scrap paper and junk mail that is either a brilliant project in waiting or a serious fire hazard in waiting.

The only problem is...how do I tell YOU fine readers about it without giving away the surprise to my family (especially since it's probably ONLY my family and friends reading this!)  And since no one responded to my question regarding whether or not a separate instructional blog is wanted I'm not sure what I want to do.  What I will do for now is provide a link to some of the projects I am thinking of doing.  I need a plan to get my act in order, to make sure I have enough time to get everything done. 

My first major project is a sewing project.  Tons of scrap fabric + cold whether + people turning their heat back to save money + unemployed Sara = Rag Quilts!  Here's a few links for anyone who would like to research this and maybe give it a try.  I made a rag quilt for my son out of some licensed flannel we got on sale at the fabric store and some old pjs and jeans that I cut into squares.  Check these out:

http://quilting.suite101.com/article.cfm/how_to_make_a_rag_quilt

http://quilting.about.com/od/quiltpatternsprojects/ss/rag_quilt.htm

http://quilting.about.com/od/quiltpatternsprojects/ss/denim_quilts.htm

My goal is to multi-task cutting squares while watching TV at night.  I figured out that cutting 30 squares a night for the next 90 days will give me more than enough squares to make half a dozen blankets or more. That will give me another few weeks to assemble and snip those squares into blanket form.  What fabrics I am using and what patterns I employ will not be shown until after Christmas so that I don't spoil the surprise.  That won't be enough blankets for everyone in the family so not everyone will know what they are getting!  I am looking forward to it.  I love sewing in the cooler months.  Doing hand sewing gives me and excuse to watch an Anne of Green Gables marathon on VHS!  Yeah, my life is a whirl wind.

Happy Sewing, my friends!

Sara Smile

Day 5: Sizing Up the Situation

This post is gonna be short and sweet.  The best place to start is right where you are, where ever that may be.  In order to find what you need to take the first step on that journey of 1,000 miles, we must simple look around ourselves.  We are never left with nothing to work with, it is the ideals of what we think we need that hold us back. 

It's safe to say that if you are still trying to accomplish a goal that you may have thought about, maybe even attempted, many times before, what ever it is that you believe in put something into your life or your path that would put you on your way.  Maybe you missed it or just forgot that you had it.  Maybe it's something you never considered a stepping stone.  But it's there.  It really is. 

There is a book on quantum physics I wanted to buy off Amazon however I didn't want to spend cash on it.  I thought, "Maybe I can get it from someone else."  I was reading a post by a fellow Blogger and her sidebar contained an ad for a paperback book swap....a FREE paperback book swap.  Turns out you can do to this site, register 10 paperback you would like to get rid of and then swap them for one on the database you do want.  The book I wanted is listed on the database.  Yahoo! 

  http://www.paperbackbookswap.com/

If you are having trouble thinking outside of the box, I suggest you go and find a small child who is old enough to talk but young enough to still think adults are cool to talk to and ask them.  And after they've helped you, reward them with a cardboard box to play in.

Sara Smile

Day 4: The Road Ahead

I sat down last night to map out an action plan.  I know where I want to end up.  I have a vague idea how to get there.  The curious thing is: are my limited knowledge and limiting beliefs going to hold me up or stop me in my tracks all together?  I think I'm a smart cookie but I realize I don't know a whole heck of a lot in the grand scheme of things.  So if I sit here and make out an action plan that would make a hive of bees exhausted will it really benefit me in the long run? 

That point was driven home a little bit today as I watched The Stand on tv (it's a Stephen King weekend on ScyFy!).  I had just finished the book on Tuesday, tried to order it on Netflix but it wasn't in stock.  As luck, or synchronicity, would have it, the whole blessed thing was on today.  So I watched it.  And made dinner.  And drank coffee.  And played Spider Solitaire and thought about the best laid plans we make for our lives with a narrow self-interest in mind.  How much of what we worry about really matters at the end of the day, when we invariably Stand before Judgement?  Do our Earthly ideals come from our Spirits or from our Egos? 

I suppose the answer to that question depends upon what you believe.  Being broke as heck is such a blessing.  For one, it shows you who your friends are.  Second, it shows you what you really need in this world.  Third, it gives you a different set of eyes through which to see the world.  Through my eyes much of what we work towards and 'value', the things that target us in their ads and commercials, are vapid and shallow.  I like toys and stuff but I won't work 60 hours a week to keep up with any social status symbol.  I have no problem with working hard but it has to be worth it in more ways than money.  And I don't give a hoot and a holler whether anyone agrees with that or not. 

If anything like the Captain Trips superflu, like the one that mowed down 99% of the population in The Stand, ever were to happen how many of us would be able to survive the life afterwards?  Without cars or A/C or stoves or supermarkets?  I know I could (unless of course I had an appendicitis.  Not so sure I could handle that on my own).  And there is value in that.  Stove not working.  Fine, I'll dig a fire pit in the back yard, bust out my cast iron and wrangle out a batch of biscuits. 

The idea is that I needed to clarify what I really want and what I am working towards.  WHY am I doing what I am doing?  I think the overwhelming, resonating factor is I want to be free to move through life, to be equipped to roll with the punches.  I want to be out of debt because I want to be in charge of my money.  What did my sister call credit cards?  Ah yes, Plastic Apples.  Garden of Eden reference for anyone a bit confused.  I want a functioning, safe car so that I can get myself or my son to the doctor's office if I need to, to take us places where we will learn and live and experience something more than TV and video games (and Facebook, I am guilty as charged).  I want to lose weight and be healthy so my mind and body function the way they were intended to function, fueled by that which Father Heaven and Mother Nature have provided for us.  To experience the physical pleasures of life (get your mind out of the gutters, I'm not talking ONLY about THAT). 

Honestly, at this point in time I would love to spend a week or two in some little house on some prairie, cooking in fireplace, reading and sewing, worrying only about surviving and thinking and writing.  I don't think that's a very practical solution.  So what to do?  What to do that won't be counter productive or spinning in the mud?  How do I know what's the right path and what is a Standard American Ideal?

I'm not sure.  God isn't keen on dropping instructions or maps from the sky.  I've asked repeatedly.  That makes me think about an episode of the Simpsons.  Homer didn't want to go to church with Marge anymore and he asked her, "How do we even know that we picked the right religion.  Every Sunday we could be making God madder and madder."  Something about it struck me as ridiculously funny and some what disturbing.  I started wondering if there was something to that.  How do we know what we are supposed to do?  Then I had to laugh at myself.  Look at me, hanging on Homer Simpson's words like he's Yoda.

I'm looking for the difference between Inspired Action and Making Myself Busy.  I don't want to wait any longer to make something happen but I don't want to waste my time on ineffectual activities. 

Maybe things will look clearer in the morning. 

Sara Smile