Happy Halloween and Blessed Samhain, it's 4 am, do you know where your sanity is? I seem to have misplaced mine.
I am more than halfway through this 120 Days and where am I now? Well, I have gained weight, lost income and am now afflicted with a nifty case of insomnia. That's pretty much the opposite of what I've been trying to do. I've circulated many theories and reasons why, when I TRY to improve, things seem to get worse. Why, when I want to ask for help or be proactive about my health, I am told that I can't be seen because I was given incorrect information. When I need money I am told I'm too broke to give money to. My numbers on paper don't meet the requirements. I'm frustrated. No, I've gone beyond frustrated. I've gone beyond depressed. I'm straight up pissed off. I'm tired of giving a shit. If something were HAPPENING, if a desired result was coming from my efforts then I could find something to grab onto but right now I'm just, well, insulted. I feel lied to. Being honest and hard working and moral and fair, doing the right thing and standing up for my ideals, praying and trying to have faith, it just doesn't seem to work for me. Maybe I'm not doing something right. I'm sure someone out there has some scripture ready to do already. Either way I've been struggling to continue to find a reason to give a shit.
If I could put it to you in visual terms I feel like I'm on this Cosmic rubber band and I run and try to get away from where I am but then the rubber band snaps me back to where I was and the inertia of the 'snap' carries me backwards to where I started and then some. I keep ending up back at square 1. I'm not looking for a $100 million lottery win or fame or miracles. I just want something to work. I want information I can use and that will help me. (BTW...here's a fun tidbit of info...I recently found out that when you are collecting welfare benefits the assistance office will pay for a car repair so long as you are working...had I know that I could have gotten my car fixed 3 months ago when I was still on a payroll. That's what I get for not playing the system).
I've been having quite the interesting dialogue with God. I've written and erased this paragraph about 3 times. I don't know if I want to share what I've been discussing with God. I don't know if I have the patience or the emotional stability for the debate that would ensue. I don't know if I am really ready to let everyone see who I really am and how I really think. I have always held the opinion that if you really knew me you wouldn't like me as much. I wouldn't validate something for you anymore and I have trouble dealing with the thought that people just won't like me. Perhaps therein lies the problem. I am not living as authentically as I should be because to do that I would end up rocking the boat. I would lose friends, I would disappoint family and then if that happens who do I have to turn to? On the occasions that I have expressed my truer, more repressed feelings I have been accused to being stressed out or just being a miserable bitch. Right now, I don't have the fight in me. I can't sleep, I'm overwhelmed, I'm disappointed and I am facing the disturbing reality that I may very well not even be the 'average' that I hoped to avoid. I wanted to be the voice of encouragement and success, the person who battled the obstacles and came out on top...but fear, instead, that I will never be more than the person reading those stories of success thinking, "I want to be like them." My worst fear is not death. It's that I really will end up like my parents in life...and I am seeing horrifying signs that THAT is the road I am on...yet no matter what I do, I can't seem to find an exit. I am circling around the block.
What exactly defines the 'dark night of the soul?' Does every person who attempted to be more than they presently were encounter this? How do you know what is a divine challenge of your strength and what is a cosmic STOP sign?
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Day 56: Gut Feeling
If anyone is still out there checking in on this thing then thank you for hanging in. I've once again fallen astray from my 'schedule' because, well, I just either had other things to do at 1 am (believe it or not)or I just didn't want to talk. I tend to go to extremes as we've already established and I either keep completely to myself or I vomit every thought streaming through my brain all at once.
Recently, however, I worry that I've talked too much about a few things and not necessarily on here. I got a gut feeling. It was a strong one, the kind I've had before and later wished I'd put money on. I'm not claiming any ESP or stuff like that, I've just been watching the body language and hearing the vocal patterns of certain people and I don't like what I see. This is why I have so much trouble following my instincts. I sometimes get messages from my gut that I don't like and don't want to believe. Some of you may think I'm a negative person or that I am the eternal pessimist. I'm actually not, not by nature anyway. I have developed it over the course of a life time of having high hopes for personal relationships and trust for the people around me and then getting let down over and over again. I don't have solid evidence of what I feel, I have no concrete actions on which to base my feelings, it's just a feeling. So I've pulled back to observe. I will be watching.
I have a weigh in coming up on Thursday. I didn't post last week because I gained another 3 lbs. That's 8 lbs in 3 weeks. Yeah, it's been a bad month on a lot of fronts. I suppose I shouldn't take circumstances personally, I mean, I don't think there are any zebras in therapy because they just can't trust the other animals at the watering hole. They go in, keep an eye open, learn the signs of danger and run away if they have to hoping not to be the slowest one that day. We are just beasts of a different nature pretending we aren't.
One thing I can't handle in people in general is dishonesty. I am not a perfect person by any means, I'm a beast at the watering hole just like anyone else, however I come by my imperfections honestly. That's what this blog is about. I was hoping to show myself how amazing and on track I am-but I'm not-so I will record the reality of what I am at this moment in time.
At least I haven't given up. I start down a path, realize it won't work and double back and try a different path. I find obstacles and hurdles and yes, I get depressed and stressed out, but I never give up entirely. Sure, I'm up one day and down the next but I always come back for more. I'm trying to leave no stone unturned so to some it may look like I'm 'losing interest' or 'giving up' or 'flitting about' but I'm not so don't underestimate me. It pisses me off.
I guess that's all I have to say about that.
I'll try to have a more entertaining selection tomorrow. Apparently, I'm not getting rid of this insomnia any time soon.
Recently, however, I worry that I've talked too much about a few things and not necessarily on here. I got a gut feeling. It was a strong one, the kind I've had before and later wished I'd put money on. I'm not claiming any ESP or stuff like that, I've just been watching the body language and hearing the vocal patterns of certain people and I don't like what I see. This is why I have so much trouble following my instincts. I sometimes get messages from my gut that I don't like and don't want to believe. Some of you may think I'm a negative person or that I am the eternal pessimist. I'm actually not, not by nature anyway. I have developed it over the course of a life time of having high hopes for personal relationships and trust for the people around me and then getting let down over and over again. I don't have solid evidence of what I feel, I have no concrete actions on which to base my feelings, it's just a feeling. So I've pulled back to observe. I will be watching.
I have a weigh in coming up on Thursday. I didn't post last week because I gained another 3 lbs. That's 8 lbs in 3 weeks. Yeah, it's been a bad month on a lot of fronts. I suppose I shouldn't take circumstances personally, I mean, I don't think there are any zebras in therapy because they just can't trust the other animals at the watering hole. They go in, keep an eye open, learn the signs of danger and run away if they have to hoping not to be the slowest one that day. We are just beasts of a different nature pretending we aren't.
One thing I can't handle in people in general is dishonesty. I am not a perfect person by any means, I'm a beast at the watering hole just like anyone else, however I come by my imperfections honestly. That's what this blog is about. I was hoping to show myself how amazing and on track I am-but I'm not-so I will record the reality of what I am at this moment in time.
At least I haven't given up. I start down a path, realize it won't work and double back and try a different path. I find obstacles and hurdles and yes, I get depressed and stressed out, but I never give up entirely. Sure, I'm up one day and down the next but I always come back for more. I'm trying to leave no stone unturned so to some it may look like I'm 'losing interest' or 'giving up' or 'flitting about' but I'm not so don't underestimate me. It pisses me off.
I guess that's all I have to say about that.
I'll try to have a more entertaining selection tomorrow. Apparently, I'm not getting rid of this insomnia any time soon.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Day 47: Time Flies
Has it really been almost a week since my last blog post? So much for the daily posting! I've been falling apart on a lot of things had set out to do. What I had set up for myself was a LOT to do in a day and I really started to feel the heat of it. I spent most of last week feeling slightly under the weather, you know the feeling, when there's something coming but not enough to justify staying in bed with a bottle of NyQuil. Yeah, one of those weeks. I skipped my weigh in. I actually forgot about it until about 15 minutes before I should have left and I only realized it was, indeed, Thursday because my dad asked me if I had a meeting or not. What a crap-tastic week. I felt like I went backwards in time instead of forward.
I went for a very long walk today. It was one of my 4 mile loops through Timbervilla and up the back end of the Masonic Homes orchard. I had a lot of thinking to do and some decisions to make I suppose. I have felt like I am constantly getting pulled in so many different directions. I still need to find an income and I still need to be a mother to my child and I still want very much to open a bakery in the near future. So many things are crowding together in my brain I started getting stressed out and second guessing myself. Am I really capable of doing this? Is it possible? Am I kidding myself?
What I concluded was this: There is no difference, really, between poverty and abundance-not in my mind and let me explain. What I mean is that the ENERGY that draws in abundance is the same kind of energy that draws in poverty, it's just, well, used wrong; kind of like you're just facing the wrong direction. I came to this conclusion when I was walking along and thinking about my brand. By brand I mean what do the products I make (soap, scrub or edibles) evoke in the minds of the consumers, what do they stand for and does the buyer expect the products to present? I already knew the answer to that; it's "Over the Top." I do things in a way most people wouldn't take the time to do. I'm not great at everything but my strength lies in taking average and modest and making it decadent. I have lots of room to grow, obviously. So why doesn't the rest of my life reflect what I do for my products? Hhmm, good question and therein lies the discrepancy that pulls me in 5 directions, drawn and quartered by my own lofty ideals.
The encouraging thing is that the capacity for abundance is already in place. If I know how to draw in abject, bottom of the barrel, broke-ass poverty then I know how to draw in beautiful, decadent abundance. I just need to flip it around. That's all (I'm laughing at myself right now...oh, is that ALL??) But think about it. My life flips to extremes, right? I am so miserable and bored being average and moderate that I somehow, subconsciously pushed my world to an extreme. Since I didn't believe I could or know how to live in abundance I went deeper and deeper into poverty. Makes sense to me....but then again, I have evidence that I make have gone, what's the technical term??.....ah yes, frigging crackers sometime in the past few days so I may actually be in the middle of a delusional psychotic rant. If I am, I like it, it's nice in here.
This is one of the places I like to visit on my long walk. It is on a path behind the Masonic Cemetery. When this tree first fell I thought it looked like the legs of some giant, land-striding creature. He was amputated so the trucks could get through.
I went for a very long walk today. It was one of my 4 mile loops through Timbervilla and up the back end of the Masonic Homes orchard. I had a lot of thinking to do and some decisions to make I suppose. I have felt like I am constantly getting pulled in so many different directions. I still need to find an income and I still need to be a mother to my child and I still want very much to open a bakery in the near future. So many things are crowding together in my brain I started getting stressed out and second guessing myself. Am I really capable of doing this? Is it possible? Am I kidding myself?
What I concluded was this: There is no difference, really, between poverty and abundance-not in my mind and let me explain. What I mean is that the ENERGY that draws in abundance is the same kind of energy that draws in poverty, it's just, well, used wrong; kind of like you're just facing the wrong direction. I came to this conclusion when I was walking along and thinking about my brand. By brand I mean what do the products I make (soap, scrub or edibles) evoke in the minds of the consumers, what do they stand for and does the buyer expect the products to present? I already knew the answer to that; it's "Over the Top." I do things in a way most people wouldn't take the time to do. I'm not great at everything but my strength lies in taking average and modest and making it decadent. I have lots of room to grow, obviously. So why doesn't the rest of my life reflect what I do for my products? Hhmm, good question and therein lies the discrepancy that pulls me in 5 directions, drawn and quartered by my own lofty ideals.
The encouraging thing is that the capacity for abundance is already in place. If I know how to draw in abject, bottom of the barrel, broke-ass poverty then I know how to draw in beautiful, decadent abundance. I just need to flip it around. That's all (I'm laughing at myself right now...oh, is that ALL??) But think about it. My life flips to extremes, right? I am so miserable and bored being average and moderate that I somehow, subconsciously pushed my world to an extreme. Since I didn't believe I could or know how to live in abundance I went deeper and deeper into poverty. Makes sense to me....but then again, I have evidence that I make have gone, what's the technical term??.....ah yes, frigging crackers sometime in the past few days so I may actually be in the middle of a delusional psychotic rant. If I am, I like it, it's nice in here.
This is one of the places I like to visit on my long walk. It is on a path behind the Masonic Cemetery. When this tree first fell I thought it looked like the legs of some giant, land-striding creature. He was amputated so the trucks could get through.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Day 41: Juan Valdez, you dirty, dirty boy!
My apologies, I have not been keeping up with the nightly blog. Technical difficulties abound. Some interesting things have happened in the past few days so drag up a rock and I'll tell you about them.
Saturday night a group of friends and I went to Gettysburg to do a Ghost Tour....super excited, been wanting to do one for a very long time and we were going to the Farnsworth house which is exactly the spot you want to go to in that town. It is one of the heavily investigated places for nationally televised ghost hunting shows. Anyway, we couldn't get into a tour group until 11:00 pm so while we waited be decided to go on another, cheaper (oh hind sight!) tour up the street. I wish I remembered the name of the shop where we bought the tickets so I could specifically tell you what NOT to spend your money on. It was a $7 trekk up and down the freakin alley behind the house. It was positioned somewhere between the Rupp House and the Dobbin House...I know because we 'toured' their parking lots! At one point we moved off the alley to a muddy creek bed that supposedly was filled with the bodies of dead and dying soldiers. We got the stink eye from a competing tour group because we didn't have 'permits' to enter onto private property...btw, that private property was a grass patch behind a garage. Worst. Tour. Ever. Our group kept getting smaller and smaller as we wandered from one parking lot to another...for an hour and a half. I kid you not. 90 minutes up and down a heavily trafficed alley.
Later we got to sit down in the pub of the Farnsworth House and have some munchies and drinks. They actually have a lot of the props left over from the filming of the Gettysburg movie on display. The Farnsworth ghost tour was much better and started out in the basement of the house. It was very, very creepy down there and would have been even more awesome had we not been 'visited' by a pair or drunks who were sipping booze from their Coke bottles. They were beyond drunk, they were flammable! We got to spend some time in the woods just below the cemetery and that had the potential to be really creepy, too. It was a perfect night out...perfect temps and nothing in the sky but stars and a crescent moon! But it's hard to get in the mood and really listen and feel what is around you with 25 camera flashes going off. I have to give props to the tour guides, they were very good at their jobs and one of them finally told the drunks to chill out. So that was a good time. Aaannnddd...I got to test drive a brownie recipe I've been stewing over. It was a mocha brownie with a pumpkin cheesecake swirl. It was good but there's room for improvements.
That brings me to my next interesting point. McDonalds coffee. Love the stuff. Juan Valdez is my sugar daddy and he treats mama nice. But when the chick at the drive through not only notices that you didn't order you're regular item but feel comfortable enough to comment on it, it's time to quit the habit. At least at that drive thru. haa haa No, seriously, I loves me some java but it really isn't good for you in larger quantities. Caffeine causes blood sugar to spike and drop rapidly leaving your head feeling wired and fuzzy and grumpy and it also leeches calcium out of the bones. A lot of caffeine also interferes with the body's ability to absorb Vitamin D properly as well. One or 2 normal sized cups a day is not that big of a deal but I don't have 1 or 2 cups, I have the whole friggin pot. I rationalize it by saying that since I don't use sugar in it anymore it isn't as bad...which is true...but it still isn't as great as a cup of mint tea or just clean, clear water.
No matter what eating plan, detox or routine I have done the hardest thing for me to give up is coffee. I really just enjoy it. Some people have a glass or wine or a cold beer, I like a mug of coffee, especially in a book store at a table leafing through some interesting reading a material. It's an atmosphere, a moment in time, a snapshot of relative peace and quiet. But I shall try to reign it in. This just may be the excuse I've been looking for to finally buy a Keurig single-cup machine. Yeah! New toy!
Let me hear from all of you. What are your vices? What little bit of food Heaven simply talks dirty to you when ever it is nearby?
Sara Smile
Saturday night a group of friends and I went to Gettysburg to do a Ghost Tour....super excited, been wanting to do one for a very long time and we were going to the Farnsworth house which is exactly the spot you want to go to in that town. It is one of the heavily investigated places for nationally televised ghost hunting shows. Anyway, we couldn't get into a tour group until 11:00 pm so while we waited be decided to go on another, cheaper (oh hind sight!) tour up the street. I wish I remembered the name of the shop where we bought the tickets so I could specifically tell you what NOT to spend your money on. It was a $7 trekk up and down the freakin alley behind the house. It was positioned somewhere between the Rupp House and the Dobbin House...I know because we 'toured' their parking lots! At one point we moved off the alley to a muddy creek bed that supposedly was filled with the bodies of dead and dying soldiers. We got the stink eye from a competing tour group because we didn't have 'permits' to enter onto private property...btw, that private property was a grass patch behind a garage. Worst. Tour. Ever. Our group kept getting smaller and smaller as we wandered from one parking lot to another...for an hour and a half. I kid you not. 90 minutes up and down a heavily trafficed alley.
Later we got to sit down in the pub of the Farnsworth House and have some munchies and drinks. They actually have a lot of the props left over from the filming of the Gettysburg movie on display. The Farnsworth ghost tour was much better and started out in the basement of the house. It was very, very creepy down there and would have been even more awesome had we not been 'visited' by a pair or drunks who were sipping booze from their Coke bottles. They were beyond drunk, they were flammable! We got to spend some time in the woods just below the cemetery and that had the potential to be really creepy, too. It was a perfect night out...perfect temps and nothing in the sky but stars and a crescent moon! But it's hard to get in the mood and really listen and feel what is around you with 25 camera flashes going off. I have to give props to the tour guides, they were very good at their jobs and one of them finally told the drunks to chill out. So that was a good time. Aaannnddd...I got to test drive a brownie recipe I've been stewing over. It was a mocha brownie with a pumpkin cheesecake swirl. It was good but there's room for improvements.
That brings me to my next interesting point. McDonalds coffee. Love the stuff. Juan Valdez is my sugar daddy and he treats mama nice. But when the chick at the drive through not only notices that you didn't order you're regular item but feel comfortable enough to comment on it, it's time to quit the habit. At least at that drive thru. haa haa No, seriously, I loves me some java but it really isn't good for you in larger quantities. Caffeine causes blood sugar to spike and drop rapidly leaving your head feeling wired and fuzzy and grumpy and it also leeches calcium out of the bones. A lot of caffeine also interferes with the body's ability to absorb Vitamin D properly as well. One or 2 normal sized cups a day is not that big of a deal but I don't have 1 or 2 cups, I have the whole friggin pot. I rationalize it by saying that since I don't use sugar in it anymore it isn't as bad...which is true...but it still isn't as great as a cup of mint tea or just clean, clear water.
No matter what eating plan, detox or routine I have done the hardest thing for me to give up is coffee. I really just enjoy it. Some people have a glass or wine or a cold beer, I like a mug of coffee, especially in a book store at a table leafing through some interesting reading a material. It's an atmosphere, a moment in time, a snapshot of relative peace and quiet. But I shall try to reign it in. This just may be the excuse I've been looking for to finally buy a Keurig single-cup machine. Yeah! New toy!
Let me hear from all of you. What are your vices? What little bit of food Heaven simply talks dirty to you when ever it is nearby?
Sara Smile
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Day 37: Thinner (or not) Thursday #4
Yikes!! I don't even want to blog about the epic FAIL I experienced this week on the scales. I'm gonna play the 'period' card for at least half of this travesty. I actually GAINED 5 pounds this week. Yup, 5 fat pounds. I didn't want to blog about it or even GO to the weigh in. I could have faked an injury, told people I pulled a hammy rescuing a kitten from a run away tree or something. I knew things weren't good. You know how I knew? Because every time I bend over my underwear rolls down under neath my belly flab. How much sexier can I get? I mean really? I am as swollen as the tick I yanked off my ungrateful cat yesterday. If Starbucks Caramel Macchiatos were a living creature, I'm pretty sure I'd be stuck face first into its side with my engorged rear end saluting the world as it rolls by right now, waiting for an enormous pair of tweezers to abruptly end my snack.
Like I said, I'm going to pull the period card for at least half of that. Add at least 1 pound in retained fluids from salt cravings. It rained a lot so I didn't do much. I'm not saying that's an excuse. Most of the group lost weight this week and 2 of our members are on Prednizone and they still managed to drop some weight. My schedule got thrown to the wind this week and I let it get the better of me. I know this is a symptom of my own self-defeating behaviors...going the opposite direction from where I want to be. Instead of a quantum leap I seem to have managed a quantum trip over my own feet.
I'm embarrassed and pissed at myself and just wanting to scream. I'm having some issues with this school-issued computer and I can't figure out why. I routinely erase cookies, temporary files and the history plus I just ran a virus scan. No major viruses, just a few PUPs that I deleted as well. But this things seems to take forever to load the page and then all of a sudden it'll be fine. It may be my Internet provider, Century Link, but I'm not sure.
On top of that I have been researching the potential money needed to open my own small bakery and I am overwhelmed. I feel like what ever track I was on just derailed and I don't know what I'm doing again. I have a hard time processing my emotions or even simply sorting through facts without getting anxious. So every time I come upon something I don't understand or is unfamiliar I feel like I'm dangling from a window. Being conscious of my eating and thought process takes over such a huge part of my brain and energy that when something else comes up that invades that space I have this sensation that I can't do everything and something has to get set on the back burner. I KNOW I shouldn't put my own health on the back burner so please don't leave comments as such...like I said before, I'm tired, not stupid. All I can do is chalk it up to a learning experience and try to do it better next week.
I hope that things start turning around for me. I pray that they do. I know my problems are inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. Only in America can we sit around complaining that we had too much food and free time to do NOTHING and got fatter as a result. I am just anxious to get myself to a place where I feel good, where I feel like I'm not embarrassed to run into people from high school or college because I don't want them to ask me what I'm doing these days. I know what I want and I have a pretty good idea how to get there and I get really pissed at myself when I can't seem to make it all happen the way I want it to.
Anyway, that was my Thinner Thursday blog. Not happy about it but I'm here to be honest and transparent.
Sara Smile
Like I said, I'm going to pull the period card for at least half of that. Add at least 1 pound in retained fluids from salt cravings. It rained a lot so I didn't do much. I'm not saying that's an excuse. Most of the group lost weight this week and 2 of our members are on Prednizone and they still managed to drop some weight. My schedule got thrown to the wind this week and I let it get the better of me. I know this is a symptom of my own self-defeating behaviors...going the opposite direction from where I want to be. Instead of a quantum leap I seem to have managed a quantum trip over my own feet.
I'm embarrassed and pissed at myself and just wanting to scream. I'm having some issues with this school-issued computer and I can't figure out why. I routinely erase cookies, temporary files and the history plus I just ran a virus scan. No major viruses, just a few PUPs that I deleted as well. But this things seems to take forever to load the page and then all of a sudden it'll be fine. It may be my Internet provider, Century Link, but I'm not sure.
On top of that I have been researching the potential money needed to open my own small bakery and I am overwhelmed. I feel like what ever track I was on just derailed and I don't know what I'm doing again. I have a hard time processing my emotions or even simply sorting through facts without getting anxious. So every time I come upon something I don't understand or is unfamiliar I feel like I'm dangling from a window. Being conscious of my eating and thought process takes over such a huge part of my brain and energy that when something else comes up that invades that space I have this sensation that I can't do everything and something has to get set on the back burner. I KNOW I shouldn't put my own health on the back burner so please don't leave comments as such...like I said before, I'm tired, not stupid. All I can do is chalk it up to a learning experience and try to do it better next week.
I hope that things start turning around for me. I pray that they do. I know my problems are inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. Only in America can we sit around complaining that we had too much food and free time to do NOTHING and got fatter as a result. I am just anxious to get myself to a place where I feel good, where I feel like I'm not embarrassed to run into people from high school or college because I don't want them to ask me what I'm doing these days. I know what I want and I have a pretty good idea how to get there and I get really pissed at myself when I can't seem to make it all happen the way I want it to.
Anyway, that was my Thinner Thursday blog. Not happy about it but I'm here to be honest and transparent.
Sara Smile
Monday, October 4, 2010
Day 34: Shifting and Sifting
I'm not even sure when the last time I posted was. The weekend was pretty cool, I must say, but the last 4 or 5 days have come with a shifting and a sifting of ideals. You can't walk down the street around here without tripping over a soap maker so I have been spending a lot of time thinking about how to create a distinct brand. My pal, Hildy, and I made a trek to Spoutwood Farms in Glen Rock. We didn't get 100 ft inside the festival without seeing 3 soap vendors set up. It's not a bad thing, it's just food for thought. It was a great trip because we've been wanting to get down there and check it out. They host The Fairy Festival the first weekend in May and I considered getting a stand there but the cost is kinda, well, shocking, for the size of the place. However it is exactly the right demographic. But I think the tide on Shugified is turning slightly from the main event to more of a sideline. It's not going anywhere, but I think Shugified needs to come back to the basics from which it sprang...a sideline to my baking. It was inspired by my love of natural, real food and the decadence my baking has become known for. So it shall become a gift item sold in my bakery which, hopefully, will come to fruition quickly.
Yes, kids, I've finally relented and put the food business in motion. I've been fighting it tooth and nail. The last thing I wanted to worry about were the trappings of the food service business. But I've had my last gummy croissant and over baked cookie from local grocery store bakeries. It's time for The Kitchen Witch to step forward and show these shameful frozen and assembled pastry chop-shops what dessert is supposed to taste like. The thing is, I know how to cook, not how to run a business but I'll figure it out.
There are other things on my mind, strange things that I'm not sure everyone or anyone would understand. It comes from being a writer, I guess, or maybe writing is just how I know how to relate to the way my brain twitches and heaves. As I was laying in Hildy's guest room, my son safely tucked away with his aunt and cousins, I had one of those feeling I get when I think I need to start writing something down. It was the way the window looked, the way the light from the lamp outside sprayed out around the gap between the window and the pull shade, the way a factory somewhere in the distance droned on. It seemed familiar but I didn't know if it was a memory or not. I laid there looking at it, searching my brain, trying to pick up the resonance of the feeling. I know enough about my writing process to know that it is this feeling that will lead to a silent movie in my brain. Once that silent movie turns into a voice over, my voice narrating something about that movie, is when I know I need to start writing things down. That voice over sounds just like me but is far more eloquent than the voice I use to speak out loud. It's interesting when it happens that way, when there is no struggle, just words following a scene and a feeling. As I continued to lay there the silent movie never started only, stutters of snapshots, like someone quickly flipping through a photo album. I couldn't nail anything down. When I finally fell asleep my dreams were dark and industrial, with brick buildings an fire escapes dripping night air onto dark alley pavement. The dreams came in fits and sections as they are want to do. The only other very distinct thing I dreamt about was buying a house. It was a brick rancher but in all honesty the 'feeling' of the property was that of my old elementary school in Mastersonville. I bought this house yet the spirit of the previous owner flickered in and out. Sometimes he was there and sometimes he wasn't but I knew he was bad news. He put on a nice front but he was bad. I knew that one of his kids was considered 'kidnapped' but in the omniscient dream mind I knew he had killed his son. In one instance, when he had flickered back out and I was once again proprietor of the house, I started pulling up the poured-cement sidewalk and I found corpses and skeletons, dressed in rotting, shredded clothing in shallow graves beneath the sidewalk. Something about them reminded me of those horrible outdoor decorations of children with their backs to the street, as though they are on a perpetual time-out day and night. It was wicked and sickening and awful. I'm not sure where the dream came from....too much TV or too much Stephen King or something in my brain that needs to come out. I don't know. Well, I mean, I do know. I've never had a problem understanding what my dreams mean, the vividness of it, however, has left me unsettled.
And with that I shall bid you goodnight. Sweet dreams, my friends. (maniacal laugh)
Sara Smile
Yes, kids, I've finally relented and put the food business in motion. I've been fighting it tooth and nail. The last thing I wanted to worry about were the trappings of the food service business. But I've had my last gummy croissant and over baked cookie from local grocery store bakeries. It's time for The Kitchen Witch to step forward and show these shameful frozen and assembled pastry chop-shops what dessert is supposed to taste like. The thing is, I know how to cook, not how to run a business but I'll figure it out.
There are other things on my mind, strange things that I'm not sure everyone or anyone would understand. It comes from being a writer, I guess, or maybe writing is just how I know how to relate to the way my brain twitches and heaves. As I was laying in Hildy's guest room, my son safely tucked away with his aunt and cousins, I had one of those feeling I get when I think I need to start writing something down. It was the way the window looked, the way the light from the lamp outside sprayed out around the gap between the window and the pull shade, the way a factory somewhere in the distance droned on. It seemed familiar but I didn't know if it was a memory or not. I laid there looking at it, searching my brain, trying to pick up the resonance of the feeling. I know enough about my writing process to know that it is this feeling that will lead to a silent movie in my brain. Once that silent movie turns into a voice over, my voice narrating something about that movie, is when I know I need to start writing things down. That voice over sounds just like me but is far more eloquent than the voice I use to speak out loud. It's interesting when it happens that way, when there is no struggle, just words following a scene and a feeling. As I continued to lay there the silent movie never started only, stutters of snapshots, like someone quickly flipping through a photo album. I couldn't nail anything down. When I finally fell asleep my dreams were dark and industrial, with brick buildings an fire escapes dripping night air onto dark alley pavement. The dreams came in fits and sections as they are want to do. The only other very distinct thing I dreamt about was buying a house. It was a brick rancher but in all honesty the 'feeling' of the property was that of my old elementary school in Mastersonville. I bought this house yet the spirit of the previous owner flickered in and out. Sometimes he was there and sometimes he wasn't but I knew he was bad news. He put on a nice front but he was bad. I knew that one of his kids was considered 'kidnapped' but in the omniscient dream mind I knew he had killed his son. In one instance, when he had flickered back out and I was once again proprietor of the house, I started pulling up the poured-cement sidewalk and I found corpses and skeletons, dressed in rotting, shredded clothing in shallow graves beneath the sidewalk. Something about them reminded me of those horrible outdoor decorations of children with their backs to the street, as though they are on a perpetual time-out day and night. It was wicked and sickening and awful. I'm not sure where the dream came from....too much TV or too much Stephen King or something in my brain that needs to come out. I don't know. Well, I mean, I do know. I've never had a problem understanding what my dreams mean, the vividness of it, however, has left me unsettled.
And with that I shall bid you goodnight. Sweet dreams, my friends. (maniacal laugh)
Sara Smile
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