That doesn't mean I stopped thinking or feeling or questioning. I just ceased trying to force a verb out of myself. Since the only things we have any control over in this reality are our own actions I questioned why I was doing what I was doing and why I wanted to do it, I questioned my own motivation and my true feelings. Some of what I admitted to myself was a little unsettling. Some of it I already knew but had never acted to deal with. The more I stayed inside myself and watched the world around me (like a fish watching the world from inside the fish bowl) chains of events drew up in front of me that compounded my feelings and have made me question not just myself but everything about this patchwork quilt we all live under together: our social rules, our contradicting values, why we believe what we believe about why we're here...and you all thought I was just making pee jokes on Facebook with my free time.
***Never underestimate the quiet people or the funny people.
I have shared my own issues and ordeals from time to time. I have many of my own crosses to bare and I freely admit I have not been stellar in the approach. I've wasted a lot of time being depressed and pissed off. When I watched the world through my little fish bowl I saw a lot of ordeal. I saw a lot of what my human mind considers unfair. A part of me really does believe that we have a contract with our Creator when we come into this life, we choose out struggles and our inadequacies. However, and this was one of the harder things I admitted to myself, there is a part of me that wonders if we say that or think that so that we can force some kind of order into the chaos. We feel special if we think a Benevolent Creator God chose us to carry a burden for a higher purpose. It gives us reason to survive and shoulder on when we want to throw everything down and say, "Screw this, it's too hard, I want out." But the human in me wonders if we really aren't just some random speck of dust, some alien petrie dish of no consequence what so ever. Is it all just randomness? Why carry on with Faith when Chance seems to come run rough shod over everything you've love?
The feelings came to a head when my dear friend Yolanda's 7 yr old daughter was diagnosed with retinoblastoma, a form of eye cancer. I felt punched in the gut, honestly. Yolanda has endured so much in the past 2 years, more than anyone should ever have to go through. This final news just seemed cruel. When adults have to suffer it is terrible, especially when that suffering comes at the hands of other careless adults. To see an innocent child have to endure something like this made me lose heart. I mentally pounded my fists and questioned the Sky, 'WHY? Why the little one? Why the innocent? Why are perverts and pedophiles, criminals and general assholes walking along the street perfectly healthy while a child falls ill?" I want an answer, I really do. And not from another human, I want an answer from the Source, if It is there at all. Let's go old school...hell, lets go Old Testament. Burn me a bush and talk to me. I have a 6 foot ewe hedge next to the house. Light it up, G, let's have a conversation!
I admire those of you who stand in the center of what I see as chaos and clutter, and smile with Grace and Humility. I know my eyes look through a filter of my own experiences. I see through a dusty haze of past troubles and stress. Please understand that I don't want to be the pissy one all the time, it's just that much of what I have known has been stress, strife, negativity, insecurity and heartache. I come to this blog and this day wanting to understand myself so regardless of what happens or Who is in charge, I don't dread each day wondering what shoe will drop next. At one point in my teenage years (the summer before 11th grade) my family was basically homeless, not necessarily because of anything my parents did wrong. My dad had been laid off, filed bankruptcy, my mom was ill and couldn't work, then our landlord's son lost his own job and we had to move so he could live in our house. There was no money and no where in the school district for us to go for 6 weeks. In that same time year my mom tested positive for Huntington's disease, a genetic and untreatable disease that took the life of her father, 9 of her 11 aunts and uncles, eventually her and now her sister is in a nursing home in Philly with it. Do you understand that while all of you were giggling about boys and buying the latest shoes and hanging out at the pool I was being show a picture of my own personal Reaper? The disease runs on a dominant gene so chances are, all or most of us descended from a carrier will have it.
Fast forward to 1998. My paternal grandfather, Poppop Cuthbert, passed away from age and untreated pneumonia. Stubborn old coot wouldn't ask for help until he was too weak to get to the phone. By the time my uncle found him he was past the point of no return. At the burial, as my cousins stepped away to give me room to lay my rose on the casket, I see for the first time my paternal grandmother's headstone. I was named after her so it was more than a little unsettling to see my own name on a gravestone. Less than an hour later on the drive to the post-funeral luncheon my mom suffered a massive heart attack (brought on my the HD weakening her organs and body functions for 10 years) and died in front of us. I remember watching the fire trucks roll up, the EMTs telling us we might not want to watch them attempt resuscitation and thinking, "She won't die here. God doesn't let people die during a funeral, that would be cruel." But she did. It was a slap-in-the-face reminder that there is an expiration date for each and every one of us. So I have been trying to find meaning in this crazy life, looking for things to make sense. I WANT this struggle to be of value, to mean something.
So when my little 7 yr old friend, who ate s'mores at my house and flirted like a pro with my son (uh oh, she likes older men already!) was diagnosed I started asking other people, people who have experience the unexplainable hardships in life or who see them daily, how they continue to go on. How do they continue to give a damn each and every day. I got a lot of great answers, many of them leaning on the idea that there is a God and He is good and no one suffers needlessly, it only feels that way when we assume our Earthly lives are all there is. The answer that hit most beautifully came from my friend, Mike. He is a firefighter in Virginia and I asked his opinion since it is his JOB to respond to the 'worst case scenarios'. He told me a story about 2 brothers from the NYFD who responded to 9-11, how they made sure to tell the other they loved him knowing this situation was bad and they may not come back out, yet ran in anyway. Neither of them came out alive.
Mike said,
"I am blessed to be a part of something greater than myself. I see the love that people have for one another every day, though it may often be far more subtle than the suffering. That is where I find God. My faith gets shaken constantly, yet God seems to be around there, if I listen or look for "him"."
Congratulations Mike, you made me cry, and coming from someone who SWORE no man would ever make her cry again, that's a pretty big deal. :-)
Awhile ago I posted a Facebook status saying I needed to find a better reason to give a damn, a bigger reason than Should or Need To because, like I said, I think we are horribly contradictory in our actions and values. Let me give you an example. In our world, we relate to what we find valuable in many ways, one of them is through money. As I was flipping through TV channels, Charlie "Hot Mess" Sheen was being talked about on not 1 but 3 different stations. The ticker at the bottom of one screen stated he made $2 million dollars PER EPISODE filming his show. With 8 or 9 episodes per season, that's a serious chunk o'change for someone who publicly behaves in ways most Americans would consider inappropriate. Then why does he get such a huge market value?? I flipped the channel again. Jersey Shore. Let me publicly state, on the record, that I despise this show. Why? They are not intelligent people, they have no real skills to contribute to humanity, they are shallow, foul, inappropriate, promiscuous, and sometimes violent. The only real boost these fools may have given to society is few more jobs at the Valtrex plant. I don't care if you find them funny or not, I'm not debating taste in humor, what appalls me is that they exemplify everything we tell our children NOT to be yet they make, as of July 2010, $30,000 per episode. Multiply that by 8 episodes, add in the $20,000 to $80,000 they each make for personal appearances outside of the show and what you have is the message to world that in America, it pays to be stupid. The kids from The Hills brought in anywhere from $90,000 to $125,000 per episode. The New Jersey Housewives? $30,000 per episode plus appearances.
You want to know what teachers in Pennsylvania make on average? Depending on region and years of experience it ranges from $26,000 to $50,000 per year. Not episode. Per year. And to the best of my knowledge, they don't get paid extra for showing up outside of school. How about our brave firefighters? $30-50 thousand a year to run into dangerous and life threatening conditions. What about the EMT who keeps you from dying outside of the hospital...$20-40 grand a year to save your ass. Military service...$15-30 thousand depending on years of active service and rank for most enlisted soldiers. (If anyone had more accurate info on that please let me know, because that breaks my heart, I sure hope my research wasn't correct).
Do you understand what I'm getting at? Why do people who act terribly receive better financial compensation that the people who spend their lives trying to make the world a better place? Why do non-profits created to help the people and animals and the Earth we live on struggle to get funding? Why are intelligent people's manuscripts rejected by publishing houses due to lack of interest or funding yet Snookie has a book out?
TELL ME WHY!!
Either enough people find it acceptable or the people who don't think it's fair haven't made enough noise. I don't want to be someone who silently accepts what I don't like around me but shrugs it off with the "I can't do anything about it" mentality...and that's what I HAVE been doing. I did it because it was too hard to see and deal with and I felt out numbered. If I am to be a casualty of Huntington's disease, breast cancer, a drunk driver or just good old-fashioned old age, I want my time on Earth to mean something whether there is a God in heaven or we're just a bunch of atoms spinning around a big rock.
My idea is a small one, but its a first step in the direction I want to move in. I want to help the people who need help and support the organizations who make it possible for us to love and support one another. I have been involved in a weight loss challenge for the past year and I have been struggling with motivation. There are cash prizes for the top 3 winners (who are also losers....strange) but that's not enough. We do a Pound for Pound donation to the food bank however I have never participated. I would have to use food stamps to buy food to give to the food bank and that just kinda doesn't make much sense. It's robbing Peter to pay Paul.
I was inspired to do this by a woman named Mary Jacobson, a cancer survivor who competes in Strongman events to raise money for charity. She was told she had cancer and was going to die, she had made arrangements for her daughter's care, picked out a caske...and then beat it. That was years ago. If you attend an amateur Strongman event you can't miss her...just look for the blond hair and the gun show. So I will reach down and pull my head out once again for this whole weight loss/better health thing for a better reason than 'I want to win money or feel prettier'. I will personally donate $1 for every pound I lose from now until the last weigh in of this challenge rotation (in April) and that money will go to charity. If I do win one of the cash prizes I will add a 10% tithe to the dollar/lb total and I invite anyone who reads this and feels halfway inspired to sponsor me. I don't care if it's only 5 cents per pound, what I want is for all of us to shift our intentions towards placing the financial value in the hands of those our hearts value, which is where it belongs. After much debating I decided the final total will go to CaringBridge.org on Yolanda's daughter's behalf. CaringBridge.org is a free online journal service where anyone experiencing a health crisis can create a personal profile on where they can post updates on their condition. It allows friends and loved ones to stay updated and offer words of love and encouragement. We have been using it to keep abreast of Yolanda's daughter's treatment and condition and I love the site already.
So what do you think? Anyone besides me ready to put their money where their mouth is??
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