If anyone is still out there checking in on this thing then thank you for hanging in. I've once again fallen astray from my 'schedule' because, well, I just either had other things to do at 1 am (believe it or not)or I just didn't want to talk. I tend to go to extremes as we've already established and I either keep completely to myself or I vomit every thought streaming through my brain all at once.
Recently, however, I worry that I've talked too much about a few things and not necessarily on here. I got a gut feeling. It was a strong one, the kind I've had before and later wished I'd put money on. I'm not claiming any ESP or stuff like that, I've just been watching the body language and hearing the vocal patterns of certain people and I don't like what I see. This is why I have so much trouble following my instincts. I sometimes get messages from my gut that I don't like and don't want to believe. Some of you may think I'm a negative person or that I am the eternal pessimist. I'm actually not, not by nature anyway. I have developed it over the course of a life time of having high hopes for personal relationships and trust for the people around me and then getting let down over and over again. I don't have solid evidence of what I feel, I have no concrete actions on which to base my feelings, it's just a feeling. So I've pulled back to observe. I will be watching.
I have a weigh in coming up on Thursday. I didn't post last week because I gained another 3 lbs. That's 8 lbs in 3 weeks. Yeah, it's been a bad month on a lot of fronts. I suppose I shouldn't take circumstances personally, I mean, I don't think there are any zebras in therapy because they just can't trust the other animals at the watering hole. They go in, keep an eye open, learn the signs of danger and run away if they have to hoping not to be the slowest one that day. We are just beasts of a different nature pretending we aren't.
One thing I can't handle in people in general is dishonesty. I am not a perfect person by any means, I'm a beast at the watering hole just like anyone else, however I come by my imperfections honestly. That's what this blog is about. I was hoping to show myself how amazing and on track I am-but I'm not-so I will record the reality of what I am at this moment in time.
At least I haven't given up. I start down a path, realize it won't work and double back and try a different path. I find obstacles and hurdles and yes, I get depressed and stressed out, but I never give up entirely. Sure, I'm up one day and down the next but I always come back for more. I'm trying to leave no stone unturned so to some it may look like I'm 'losing interest' or 'giving up' or 'flitting about' but I'm not so don't underestimate me. It pisses me off.
I guess that's all I have to say about that.
I'll try to have a more entertaining selection tomorrow. Apparently, I'm not getting rid of this insomnia any time soon.
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