Yikes!! I don't even want to blog about the epic FAIL I experienced this week on the scales. I'm gonna play the 'period' card for at least half of this travesty. I actually GAINED 5 pounds this week. Yup, 5 fat pounds. I didn't want to blog about it or even GO to the weigh in. I could have faked an injury, told people I pulled a hammy rescuing a kitten from a run away tree or something. I knew things weren't good. You know how I knew? Because every time I bend over my underwear rolls down under neath my belly flab. How much sexier can I get? I mean really? I am as swollen as the tick I yanked off my ungrateful cat yesterday. If Starbucks Caramel Macchiatos were a living creature, I'm pretty sure I'd be stuck face first into its side with my engorged rear end saluting the world as it rolls by right now, waiting for an enormous pair of tweezers to abruptly end my snack.
Like I said, I'm going to pull the period card for at least half of that. Add at least 1 pound in retained fluids from salt cravings. It rained a lot so I didn't do much. I'm not saying that's an excuse. Most of the group lost weight this week and 2 of our members are on Prednizone and they still managed to drop some weight. My schedule got thrown to the wind this week and I let it get the better of me. I know this is a symptom of my own self-defeating behaviors...going the opposite direction from where I want to be. Instead of a quantum leap I seem to have managed a quantum trip over my own feet.
I'm embarrassed and pissed at myself and just wanting to scream. I'm having some issues with this school-issued computer and I can't figure out why. I routinely erase cookies, temporary files and the history plus I just ran a virus scan. No major viruses, just a few PUPs that I deleted as well. But this things seems to take forever to load the page and then all of a sudden it'll be fine. It may be my Internet provider, Century Link, but I'm not sure.
On top of that I have been researching the potential money needed to open my own small bakery and I am overwhelmed. I feel like what ever track I was on just derailed and I don't know what I'm doing again. I have a hard time processing my emotions or even simply sorting through facts without getting anxious. So every time I come upon something I don't understand or is unfamiliar I feel like I'm dangling from a window. Being conscious of my eating and thought process takes over such a huge part of my brain and energy that when something else comes up that invades that space I have this sensation that I can't do everything and something has to get set on the back burner. I KNOW I shouldn't put my own health on the back burner so please don't leave comments as such...like I said before, I'm tired, not stupid. All I can do is chalk it up to a learning experience and try to do it better next week.
I hope that things start turning around for me. I pray that they do. I know my problems are inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. Only in America can we sit around complaining that we had too much food and free time to do NOTHING and got fatter as a result. I am just anxious to get myself to a place where I feel good, where I feel like I'm not embarrassed to run into people from high school or college because I don't want them to ask me what I'm doing these days. I know what I want and I have a pretty good idea how to get there and I get really pissed at myself when I can't seem to make it all happen the way I want it to.
Anyway, that was my Thinner Thursday blog. Not happy about it but I'm here to be honest and transparent.
Sara Smile
Bottom line, Sara...you're doing this for you...no one else. Stand tall and be proud of yourself. If you were a lazy person, you wouldn't bother taking the time to post it on the internet :)
ReplyDeleteGaining 5 lbs happens to the best of us. If you purposely gained the weight, which I don't think is the case, that would be reason to beat yourself up.
At least you didn't gain 10 lbs, smoke, drink, not wash your son's clothes, feed him, or be a parent to him.
You're doing what you can...and that's all that matters!
You are loved, needed, and admired. Don't let the other stuff "weigh" you down!
Don't be too hard on your self, I have a tenancy to gain 7 or 8 lbs of water weight right before I start my period, I can actually see myself bloated, then bye the time it is almost over, it goes away. keep hydrated, I bet you will have a much better week next week. Have you looked into small business grants for single mothers? I think there are some out there you just have to find them.
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