Day 47: Time Flies

Has it really been almost a week since my last blog post?  So much for the daily posting!  I've been falling apart on a lot of things  had set out to do.  What I had set up for myself was a LOT to do in a day and I really started to feel the heat of it.  I spent most of last week feeling slightly under the weather, you know the feeling, when there's something coming but not enough to justify staying in bed with a bottle of NyQuil.  Yeah, one of those weeks.  I skipped my weigh in.  I actually forgot about it until about 15 minutes before I should have left and I only realized it was, indeed, Thursday because my dad asked me if I had a meeting or not.  What a crap-tastic week.  I felt like I went backwards in time instead of forward. 

I went for a very long walk today.  It was one of my 4 mile loops through Timbervilla and up the back end of the Masonic Homes orchard.  I had a lot of thinking to do and some decisions to make I suppose.  I have felt like I am constantly getting pulled in so many different directions.  I still need to find an income and I still need to be a mother to my child and I still want very much to open a bakery in the near future.  So many things are crowding together in my brain I started getting stressed out and second guessing myself.  Am I really capable of doing this?  Is it possible?  Am I kidding myself? 

What I concluded was this:  There is no difference, really, between poverty and abundance-not in my mind and let me explain.  What I mean is that the ENERGY that draws in abundance is the same kind of energy that draws in poverty, it's just, well, used wrong; kind of like you're just facing the wrong direction.  I came to this conclusion when I was walking along and thinking about my brand.  By brand I mean what do the products I make (soap, scrub or edibles) evoke in the minds of the consumers, what do they stand for and does the buyer expect the products to present?  I already knew the answer to that; it's "Over the Top."  I do things in a way most people wouldn't take the time to do.  I'm not great at everything but my strength lies in taking average and modest and making it decadent.  I have lots of room to grow, obviously.  So why doesn't the rest of my life reflect what I do for my products?  Hhmm, good question and therein lies the discrepancy that pulls me in 5 directions, drawn and quartered by my own lofty ideals.

The encouraging thing is that the capacity for abundance is already in place.  If I know how to draw in abject, bottom of the barrel, broke-ass poverty then I know how to draw in beautiful, decadent abundance.  I just need to flip it around.  That's all (I'm laughing at myself right now...oh, is that ALL??)  But think about it.  My life flips to extremes, right?  I am so miserable and bored being average and moderate that I somehow, subconsciously pushed my world to an extreme.  Since I didn't believe I could or know how to live in abundance I went deeper and deeper into poverty.  Makes sense to me....but then again, I have evidence that I make have gone, what's the technical term??.....ah yes, frigging crackers sometime in the past few days so I may actually be in the middle of a delusional psychotic rant.  If I am, I like it, it's nice in here.

This is one of the places I like to visit on my long walk.  It is on a path behind the Masonic Cemetery.  When this tree first fell I thought it looked like the legs of some giant, land-striding creature.  He was amputated so the trucks could get through.