Happy Halloween and Blessed Samhain, it's 4 am, do you know where your sanity is? I seem to have misplaced mine.
I am more than halfway through this 120 Days and where am I now? Well, I have gained weight, lost income and am now afflicted with a nifty case of insomnia. That's pretty much the opposite of what I've been trying to do. I've circulated many theories and reasons why, when I TRY to improve, things seem to get worse. Why, when I want to ask for help or be proactive about my health, I am told that I can't be seen because I was given incorrect information. When I need money I am told I'm too broke to give money to. My numbers on paper don't meet the requirements. I'm frustrated. No, I've gone beyond frustrated. I've gone beyond depressed. I'm straight up pissed off. I'm tired of giving a shit. If something were HAPPENING, if a desired result was coming from my efforts then I could find something to grab onto but right now I'm just, well, insulted. I feel lied to. Being honest and hard working and moral and fair, doing the right thing and standing up for my ideals, praying and trying to have faith, it just doesn't seem to work for me. Maybe I'm not doing something right. I'm sure someone out there has some scripture ready to do already. Either way I've been struggling to continue to find a reason to give a shit.
If I could put it to you in visual terms I feel like I'm on this Cosmic rubber band and I run and try to get away from where I am but then the rubber band snaps me back to where I was and the inertia of the 'snap' carries me backwards to where I started and then some. I keep ending up back at square 1. I'm not looking for a $100 million lottery win or fame or miracles. I just want something to work. I want information I can use and that will help me. (BTW...here's a fun tidbit of info...I recently found out that when you are collecting welfare benefits the assistance office will pay for a car repair so long as you are working...had I know that I could have gotten my car fixed 3 months ago when I was still on a payroll. That's what I get for not playing the system).
I've been having quite the interesting dialogue with God. I've written and erased this paragraph about 3 times. I don't know if I want to share what I've been discussing with God. I don't know if I have the patience or the emotional stability for the debate that would ensue. I don't know if I am really ready to let everyone see who I really am and how I really think. I have always held the opinion that if you really knew me you wouldn't like me as much. I wouldn't validate something for you anymore and I have trouble dealing with the thought that people just won't like me. Perhaps therein lies the problem. I am not living as authentically as I should be because to do that I would end up rocking the boat. I would lose friends, I would disappoint family and then if that happens who do I have to turn to? On the occasions that I have expressed my truer, more repressed feelings I have been accused to being stressed out or just being a miserable bitch. Right now, I don't have the fight in me. I can't sleep, I'm overwhelmed, I'm disappointed and I am facing the disturbing reality that I may very well not even be the 'average' that I hoped to avoid. I wanted to be the voice of encouragement and success, the person who battled the obstacles and came out on top...but fear, instead, that I will never be more than the person reading those stories of success thinking, "I want to be like them." My worst fear is not death. It's that I really will end up like my parents in life...and I am seeing horrifying signs that THAT is the road I am on...yet no matter what I do, I can't seem to find an exit. I am circling around the block.
What exactly defines the 'dark night of the soul?' Does every person who attempted to be more than they presently were encounter this? How do you know what is a divine challenge of your strength and what is a cosmic STOP sign?
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