THE WINNER OF THE MERLOT CANDLE IS......HEATHER DRUMM!!!!
Congratulations, Heather. Make sure you head over to the Pour Daddy's Facebook site and thank them for the sweet sweet discount they gave me so I could afford the purchase. lol
Now, on to new business. As you may know, Thinner Thursdays are my weight in days at the weight loss challenge. I was worried, more worried than last week because, as of 2 days ago, I was UP 4 lbs from last week's weigh in weight. On the scale at the challenge tonight I was -0.8 lbs from last week's weight of 222.8 lbs. That means I lost not only the 4 lbs from 2 days ago but also another .8 on top of that. I went up in weight due to poor choices and stress and overwhelm but I got 'The Fear' in me and got it done. If I can keep this momentum I will hopefully lose 4 or 5 lbs for next week. That would take me out of the 220s and that much closer to Onederland, as we like to call it in the business (below the 200lb mark into the 190s). I look forward to putting the 200s behind me instead of on my behind. I haven't been below that mark since Kenny's 1st Birthday....he is now 11. You do the math.
I can honestly say struggled with choices. I took Kenny to the mall this week for sneakers and wanted to go to Arby's and devour a Cheddar Melt, snarf down a Cinnabon and then hit Starbucks for some stomach cramping concoction. Why? Dunno. Pissed. Annoyed. Wanted to sooth some inner child that is sick of having to work so hard to care. Of course it's counter productive. Of course it's not the way to live. Of course I KNOW people love me and I get in my own way. I'm not stupid. I'm tired. But that it's any reason not to make a better decision. Apathetic people piss me the hell off yet when it comes to myself I get...maybe not apathetic, but numb. To make a continuous set of positive choices takes a level of deliberate intention that is kinda exhausting to me. I had a curly fry dipped in horsey sauce before I realized what I was doing. And I did have 2 bites of Kenny's Cinnabon but that was it. What actually stopped me from becoming an American carnivore was boots...knee high leather boots in the women's shoe department at Kohl's. Yes, I'm that shallow. Self-esteem, inner strength, self improvement, blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda. I wanna wear the cute boots that I have never been able to zipper over my chunky, ashy calves. And I want to buy them in a women's shoe store, not the drag queen section of Payless. So I dealt with it and pulled it out.
So that was that and we will start all over tomorrow morning.
Sara Smile
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Day 28: Reset
I didn't do any blogging over the weekend because I really couldn't put into words what I was thinking. That says a lot coming from me. I usually can always think if somethnig to say. I actually spent most of the day Sunday watching movies and hanging out with Kenny. I watched Shutter Island, Percy Jackson and the Olympians and Prince of Persia (yum!). Yes, I was being lazy and unmotivated. Yes, there are a lot of things I could have been doing that were more productive toward my goals. But I didn't. I allowed myself to get lost in the escapism of the movies, just thinking and watching and experiencing the stories through that open window we call the screen. I was actually really sorry to have Shutter Island end because it was so compelling and interesting, the time period and scenery were unbelievable. I'm still trying to figure out what actually happened at the end. It really did me some good to allow the pressure I put myself under to ease a bit, to not be anything other than a spectator. It helped to hit the reset button.
Last week was not great. Kenny sick, we fell behind on school work, didn't get hardly anything done I wanted to get done, child support did not come again, focus on my weight goals waned in and out and I got really frustrated. And all along side of that I'm still crunching ideas around in my brain for a way to make a business that stands out.
The good news is I seem to be getting a lump of back owed child support. I won't hold my breath for next week, I'll just have to be careful with what I have for now. I'm thankful it came because Kenny has out grown the sneakers I bought him with the weigh in money I won in the spring. It's getting cold out there and flip flops just aren't going to cut it much longer. I also think I hit upon a good business angle which I won't go into right now. I want to keep smoothing it out and working the reality into my ever so high ideals. It is a somewhat major shifting of gears but I think it'll be more lucrative than the way I was going at it before.
I also took a break from educational reading and business enlightenment and sank my teeth (pun intended) into Salem's Lot by Stephen King. Love me some Stephen King. Why? Because he gets inside your head and stays there. I read It in the 7th grade and to this day I won't walk over a storm drain if I can help it. They all float down there. Freakin clowns. King is just a fantastic story teller. I will have to make sure I rent the movie from Netflix. Vanessa and I tried to watch it many times when we were in high school but we could never get past the part where the vampire kid is floating outside the window. lol They usually screw up Stephen King books when they make them into movies but I want to see it anyway. I get really attached to his characters and I want to see how they are portrayed in the movie, who plays them.
I guess now I just keep plugging away. Keep on chugging until some of these crazy ideas if mine become habit and bigger, better things happen all the time. I've had more than my share of trials and I'm fed up quite frankly. I want a better way and a life that I wake up looking forward to, not one I have to talk myself into dealing with. So keep your fingers crossed for me and don't forget to leave a comment on last Thursdays blog telling me what your favorite fall scent is and what it reminds you of. It puts you in the running for a free Merlot soy candle from Pour Daddy's.
Happy Hump Day, Everyone!
Sara Smile
Last week was not great. Kenny sick, we fell behind on school work, didn't get hardly anything done I wanted to get done, child support did not come again, focus on my weight goals waned in and out and I got really frustrated. And all along side of that I'm still crunching ideas around in my brain for a way to make a business that stands out.
The good news is I seem to be getting a lump of back owed child support. I won't hold my breath for next week, I'll just have to be careful with what I have for now. I'm thankful it came because Kenny has out grown the sneakers I bought him with the weigh in money I won in the spring. It's getting cold out there and flip flops just aren't going to cut it much longer. I also think I hit upon a good business angle which I won't go into right now. I want to keep smoothing it out and working the reality into my ever so high ideals. It is a somewhat major shifting of gears but I think it'll be more lucrative than the way I was going at it before.
I also took a break from educational reading and business enlightenment and sank my teeth (pun intended) into Salem's Lot by Stephen King. Love me some Stephen King. Why? Because he gets inside your head and stays there. I read It in the 7th grade and to this day I won't walk over a storm drain if I can help it. They all float down there. Freakin clowns. King is just a fantastic story teller. I will have to make sure I rent the movie from Netflix. Vanessa and I tried to watch it many times when we were in high school but we could never get past the part where the vampire kid is floating outside the window. lol They usually screw up Stephen King books when they make them into movies but I want to see it anyway. I get really attached to his characters and I want to see how they are portrayed in the movie, who plays them.
I guess now I just keep plugging away. Keep on chugging until some of these crazy ideas if mine become habit and bigger, better things happen all the time. I've had more than my share of trials and I'm fed up quite frankly. I want a better way and a life that I wake up looking forward to, not one I have to talk myself into dealing with. So keep your fingers crossed for me and don't forget to leave a comment on last Thursdays blog telling me what your favorite fall scent is and what it reminds you of. It puts you in the running for a free Merlot soy candle from Pour Daddy's.
Happy Hump Day, Everyone!
Sara Smile
Friday, September 24, 2010
Day 24: New and Improved
The look of the blog has changed a little bit and there is a reason for that! I added 2 new pages to this blog for your reading pleasure.
1st I added a recipe page called Eat It! where I will list recipes that I use for my weight loss plan. You can find it under the Quantum Leap Frog banner at the top of the page. I have 2 recipes on there now and a few more that I want to put up. My recipes tend to be a little off the wall because I follow the beat of a slightly different dieting drummer. I am sensitive to wheat and gluten so I am always looking for alternatives to flour. I'm lactose intolerant so whey protein leaves me doubled over in pain and I simply won't do soy protein because I, personally, believe it is bad for the thyroid in large quantities. I use alternatives for those too. So if you would like to try some of the recipes on my blog and can't find the ingredients in your local super market I have created an Amazon store with a lot of harder to find ingredients already found for you. The Amazon store has 2 categories: Reading & Audio (it contains the media I am using along the way towards a new and improved Sara) and a Pantry (food items). The Amazon store is the reason the blog now looks different. I had to reconfigure the layout to give the store the space necessary to function properly.
The store and recipe pages will be updated pretty regularly so make sure to check in on them from time to time. You never know when you'll find something you like. I used the Amazon store on another blog I follow and I was really impressed with how it functioned, so imagine my excitement to realize I could make my own on this blog! It's pretty cool.
Now back to the reason we're all here:
Today I tried to get back into some kind of groove. I needed to get Kenny back into school work (we'd taken a few days off), get myself back onto a better eating track and try to just get some things done. I have yet to get done all of the items on my self-imposed Quantum Leap work list in 1 day. I usually get the blog and the gallon of water in, sometimes the reading but other things just come up or I just shut down and need to veg out to let my brain unwrap itself from the knot it gets into around my brain stem. Today I did manage to get a fantastic beef stew on the stove, drank my water, tried to multi-task but alas, my hitch sputtered out of my giddy up before the daylight did. Making sure Kenny gets all his meds in at appropriate times interrupts my thoughts and I have been sitting up late at night listening to him breath in his sleep to make sure the cooler night air isn't making his chest tighten up. I hate it when he's sick. I'd rather be sick myself than hear him not be able to breath properly. I had the Swine Flu last year so I know how it feels to not be able to breath without wheezing.
Kenny, however, thinks it's pretty cool to have a medical apparatus. He can't wait to show it to his cousin who is diabetic and needs to carry supplies with him where ever he goes. Hopefully the novelty will wear off and he will prefer to be healthy again. I'm not a huge fan of General Medicine and not one to immediately lean on the medical industry unless I have to so I am not as enamoured with his antibiotics and inhaler as he is. I have to keep Motrin on hand for the headaches he gets after using the inhaler and Benedryl in case he starts getting hives from the antibiotic. He's allergic to certain types. So right now he's pumped full of a variety of different chemicals and medicines and that makes me nervous. The human body is too delicately balanced to be bombarded haphazardly with this and that the other thing the doctor adds to the list. I think part of the reason we are all so sick and out of balance is because there is so much 'stuff' in our environment building up in our bodies and compounding into general maladies and eventually larger issues. It's a little scary! Did I mention he got 4 booster shots at his physical, too? I am not sure on which side of the fence I stand on the Inoculation Debate. I don't know who to believe about the nature of the medicines, how they are processed and what problems they can actually cause. I've read the literature but there isn't conclusive evidence one way or the other that satisfies the nervous mommy in me.
I sometimes wish there was a parenting manual that got sent home with you from the hospital...but then again it would probably have been published by corporate entity owned collectively by Monsanto, BP and drug manufacturers. Who's to say the information wouldn't have been a very long print ad for their methods and products?
Speaking of Big Business, here's something interesting I learned from my Organic Gardening magazine. Don't use recycled tires as planters....not even if you think you are being green. And don't use shredded rubber from tires around your playground areas or near your garden. Why? Because as the sun and weather slowly wears away at the material, heavy metals used in the tired production process are leeched into the ground, into your soil and eventually into the ground water supply. Nice, huh? It pays to be informed.
Until tomorrow, my friends...have a Happy Saturday!
Sara Smile
1st I added a recipe page called Eat It! where I will list recipes that I use for my weight loss plan. You can find it under the Quantum Leap Frog banner at the top of the page. I have 2 recipes on there now and a few more that I want to put up. My recipes tend to be a little off the wall because I follow the beat of a slightly different dieting drummer. I am sensitive to wheat and gluten so I am always looking for alternatives to flour. I'm lactose intolerant so whey protein leaves me doubled over in pain and I simply won't do soy protein because I, personally, believe it is bad for the thyroid in large quantities. I use alternatives for those too. So if you would like to try some of the recipes on my blog and can't find the ingredients in your local super market I have created an Amazon store with a lot of harder to find ingredients already found for you. The Amazon store has 2 categories: Reading & Audio (it contains the media I am using along the way towards a new and improved Sara) and a Pantry (food items). The Amazon store is the reason the blog now looks different. I had to reconfigure the layout to give the store the space necessary to function properly.
The store and recipe pages will be updated pretty regularly so make sure to check in on them from time to time. You never know when you'll find something you like. I used the Amazon store on another blog I follow and I was really impressed with how it functioned, so imagine my excitement to realize I could make my own on this blog! It's pretty cool.
Now back to the reason we're all here:
Today I tried to get back into some kind of groove. I needed to get Kenny back into school work (we'd taken a few days off), get myself back onto a better eating track and try to just get some things done. I have yet to get done all of the items on my self-imposed Quantum Leap work list in 1 day. I usually get the blog and the gallon of water in, sometimes the reading but other things just come up or I just shut down and need to veg out to let my brain unwrap itself from the knot it gets into around my brain stem. Today I did manage to get a fantastic beef stew on the stove, drank my water, tried to multi-task but alas, my hitch sputtered out of my giddy up before the daylight did. Making sure Kenny gets all his meds in at appropriate times interrupts my thoughts and I have been sitting up late at night listening to him breath in his sleep to make sure the cooler night air isn't making his chest tighten up. I hate it when he's sick. I'd rather be sick myself than hear him not be able to breath properly. I had the Swine Flu last year so I know how it feels to not be able to breath without wheezing.
Kenny, however, thinks it's pretty cool to have a medical apparatus. He can't wait to show it to his cousin who is diabetic and needs to carry supplies with him where ever he goes. Hopefully the novelty will wear off and he will prefer to be healthy again. I'm not a huge fan of General Medicine and not one to immediately lean on the medical industry unless I have to so I am not as enamoured with his antibiotics and inhaler as he is. I have to keep Motrin on hand for the headaches he gets after using the inhaler and Benedryl in case he starts getting hives from the antibiotic. He's allergic to certain types. So right now he's pumped full of a variety of different chemicals and medicines and that makes me nervous. The human body is too delicately balanced to be bombarded haphazardly with this and that the other thing the doctor adds to the list. I think part of the reason we are all so sick and out of balance is because there is so much 'stuff' in our environment building up in our bodies and compounding into general maladies and eventually larger issues. It's a little scary! Did I mention he got 4 booster shots at his physical, too? I am not sure on which side of the fence I stand on the Inoculation Debate. I don't know who to believe about the nature of the medicines, how they are processed and what problems they can actually cause. I've read the literature but there isn't conclusive evidence one way or the other that satisfies the nervous mommy in me.
I sometimes wish there was a parenting manual that got sent home with you from the hospital...but then again it would probably have been published by corporate entity owned collectively by Monsanto, BP and drug manufacturers. Who's to say the information wouldn't have been a very long print ad for their methods and products?
Speaking of Big Business, here's something interesting I learned from my Organic Gardening magazine. Don't use recycled tires as planters....not even if you think you are being green. And don't use shredded rubber from tires around your playground areas or near your garden. Why? Because as the sun and weather slowly wears away at the material, heavy metals used in the tired production process are leeched into the ground, into your soil and eventually into the ground water supply. Nice, huh? It pays to be informed.
Until tomorrow, my friends...have a Happy Saturday!
Sara Smile
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Day 23: Thinner Thursday #2
First things first. Weigh in was tonight and what is the verdict?
-4 lbs
I was down exactly 4 lbs from last week bringing my weight down to 222.4. I was really hoping for a double digit however I knew going into it that it probably wasn't going to happen. I did a lot of stress munching and I knew I was not on top of my game. 4 lbs is good especially in a downward progression. But to me it is a little bit average. I'm looking for 'quantum leaps' here, not 'good enough steps' so I will have to look back at my week and try to find a better groove. One advantage I have over everyone else in the group is time on my hands so there is no reason I shouldn't be able to kick this out. I need to stay the hell out of my own way and stop over complicating things.
2nd order of business: who won the lip balm? Why is was Anonymous Amy! Congratulations Amy ( FB me with your address!). If you did not win this time don't fret! Why?
Because I have another item to give away! I mentioned it in yesterday's post but if you missed it let me fill you in. What I have up for grabs this week is a fabulous Pour Daddy's hand poured soy candle. It is 6 oz of Merlot-scented goodness and it is up for grabs. All you have to do is post a comment with your name in it telling me what your favorite fall scent is and what memories it brings you! I love the Merlot scent because it reminds me of fall nights with good friends at the Nissley lawn concerts.
You can find Pour Daddy's on their Facebook site or at
-Root's in Manheim on Tuesdays
-Hershey Farmer's Market (across the road from the medical center) on Thursdays
-Saturday's Market in Middletown on Saturdays
-various craft shows and fairs around the area (see Facebook site for details)
Post your comment entries here and then look for Thinner Thursday #3 next week to see if you won!
Sara Smile
-4 lbs
I was down exactly 4 lbs from last week bringing my weight down to 222.4. I was really hoping for a double digit however I knew going into it that it probably wasn't going to happen. I did a lot of stress munching and I knew I was not on top of my game. 4 lbs is good especially in a downward progression. But to me it is a little bit average. I'm looking for 'quantum leaps' here, not 'good enough steps' so I will have to look back at my week and try to find a better groove. One advantage I have over everyone else in the group is time on my hands so there is no reason I shouldn't be able to kick this out. I need to stay the hell out of my own way and stop over complicating things.
2nd order of business: who won the lip balm? Why is was Anonymous Amy! Congratulations Amy ( FB me with your address!). If you did not win this time don't fret! Why?
Because I have another item to give away! I mentioned it in yesterday's post but if you missed it let me fill you in. What I have up for grabs this week is a fabulous Pour Daddy's hand poured soy candle. It is 6 oz of Merlot-scented goodness and it is up for grabs. All you have to do is post a comment with your name in it telling me what your favorite fall scent is and what memories it brings you! I love the Merlot scent because it reminds me of fall nights with good friends at the Nissley lawn concerts.
You can find Pour Daddy's on their Facebook site or at
-Root's in Manheim on Tuesdays
-Hershey Farmer's Market (across the road from the medical center) on Thursdays
-Saturday's Market in Middletown on Saturdays
-various craft shows and fairs around the area (see Facebook site for details)
Post your comment entries here and then look for Thinner Thursday #3 next week to see if you won!
Sara Smile
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Day 22: Tomorrow is Judgement Day
So tomorrow night is my weigh in. I've been tracking myself on my own scale here at home but my scale is usually a few pounds heavier than theirs, plus the challenge weighs in at night which will affect generally increase your weigh simply because you've been eating, drinking and retaining all day long. I have done well this week, however I don't know if I've done the phenomenal job of it I was looking to do. Life is stressful sometimes and doesn't always go according to plan.
My son has been sick much of the week and yesterday afternoon was spent at the doctor's office while he sucked on a nebulizer. We left with 3 prescriptions: 2 for in inhaler and spacer and 1 for antibiotics for a blooming ear infection. He hasn't had an ear infection since I pulled him from public school 2 years ago! His blood pressure was elevated, probably from being dehydrated (nurse said his lungs were probably drawing moisture from his body to facilitate the phlegm production) which also gave him a wheezing cough, hence the inhaler. It's scary. Not as scary as watching ER attendants set his broken arm 2 yrs ago but still, you never want to see your child suffer. Food choices were not fantastic yesterday and I caught myself 'stress munching' and just wanting to nosh on something in general. I had waaaay too much coffee and I could tell I was getting dehydrated.
I am already grateful for my insurance benefits and food stamps, but never so much as I am now. Paying for a doctor's appointment, medicine and Gatorade and OJ to get him rehydrate would have cost every cent I have. I still have not heard anything about my child support so it would have left me with nothing. So once again, I would like to thank all of the employed tax-payers reading this blog.
I know I am not the only one out here struggling. Last weekend we went to the Old Fashioned Days in Bainbridge and there were a lot of small businesses there with their tents set up, hoping to make a decent go of it. Had I known about it ahead of time I would have gotten a stand there myself. Oh well, them's the breaks, kid. But while I was there I came across a man who makes and sells soy candles. My dear friend Holly and I had talked to him out at Root's and as we were walking away from his stand that day I said to her, "I would like to get one of his candles and give it away on my blog." When I stopped at his stand in Bainbridge I decided: What the hell. It's the least I can do for all you kind people who indirectly buy my health coverage and groceries each month. I won't give you specifics on what I bought or how to win it until Thursday night when I post my weigh in results and pick the winner for the lip balm. However I will tell you this: the company is called Pour Daddy's. You can find him at Saturday's Market in Middletown, Root's on Tuesdays, and the Hershey Farmer's Market across from the medical campus on Thursdays. You can also find him and his specific itinerary on Facebook at Pour Daddy's on Facebook. Go check him out and come back tomorrow to see how to win!
Sara Smile
My son has been sick much of the week and yesterday afternoon was spent at the doctor's office while he sucked on a nebulizer. We left with 3 prescriptions: 2 for in inhaler and spacer and 1 for antibiotics for a blooming ear infection. He hasn't had an ear infection since I pulled him from public school 2 years ago! His blood pressure was elevated, probably from being dehydrated (nurse said his lungs were probably drawing moisture from his body to facilitate the phlegm production) which also gave him a wheezing cough, hence the inhaler. It's scary. Not as scary as watching ER attendants set his broken arm 2 yrs ago but still, you never want to see your child suffer. Food choices were not fantastic yesterday and I caught myself 'stress munching' and just wanting to nosh on something in general. I had waaaay too much coffee and I could tell I was getting dehydrated.
I am already grateful for my insurance benefits and food stamps, but never so much as I am now. Paying for a doctor's appointment, medicine and Gatorade and OJ to get him rehydrate would have cost every cent I have. I still have not heard anything about my child support so it would have left me with nothing. So once again, I would like to thank all of the employed tax-payers reading this blog.
I know I am not the only one out here struggling. Last weekend we went to the Old Fashioned Days in Bainbridge and there were a lot of small businesses there with their tents set up, hoping to make a decent go of it. Had I known about it ahead of time I would have gotten a stand there myself. Oh well, them's the breaks, kid. But while I was there I came across a man who makes and sells soy candles. My dear friend Holly and I had talked to him out at Root's and as we were walking away from his stand that day I said to her, "I would like to get one of his candles and give it away on my blog." When I stopped at his stand in Bainbridge I decided: What the hell. It's the least I can do for all you kind people who indirectly buy my health coverage and groceries each month. I won't give you specifics on what I bought or how to win it until Thursday night when I post my weigh in results and pick the winner for the lip balm. However I will tell you this: the company is called Pour Daddy's. You can find him at Saturday's Market in Middletown, Root's on Tuesdays, and the Hershey Farmer's Market across from the medical campus on Thursdays. You can also find him and his specific itinerary on Facebook at Pour Daddy's on Facebook. Go check him out and come back tomorrow to see how to win!
Sara Smile
Monday, September 20, 2010
Day 20: Do You Remember? It was the 21st Day of September...
I love this song and you simply can't watch this video without smiling...great music, impeccable fashion sense!
Earth, Wind & Fire - September
My cousin posted this on Facebook today and I probably listened to it about 6 times. I was chair dancing to it with my son's headphones over my ears so I could blast it straight into my brain. He walked into the room, stared at me, shook his head and left the room again.
Yeah, son, your mama likes to jam. A friend once described my preferred taste in music as 80s Pop and 70s Cheese. I think that sums it up well. I listen to a lot of different kinds of music but the common ground to everything I listen to is that it either delivers a fantastic message or it makes me want to snap my fingers and shake my assets. Earth, Wind & Fire is awesome, I love me some Tina Turner and James Brown. Gotta have my 80s classics (I'm looking at you Wham!) and my hair band rock ballads. Metallica and AC/DC changed my brain forever. I was positively in loooove with John Mellencamp and I really did want him to make it hurt so good because, well, sometimes love don't feel like it should.
I had wanted to take dance classes when I was a kid. It was a natural first step towards my inevitable career as a Solid Gold Dancer. However, I wasn't allowed. My mom claimed that "Christians don't dance." That was secret code for 'it's too expensive and I don't want to have to drive you anywhere.' So I went undiscovered and unfulfilled, secretly bopping around my room in the 80s to the enormous radio I inherited from my brother. It was decked out with a radio, a record player AND an 8-track deck. I can remember specific times in my life according to what songs I listened to at the time. "Manic Monday" by the Bangles reminds me of eating a hollow Easter bunny in my room. "Wild Wild West" by the Escape Club was popular when we moved in junior high. I remember staring at the hideous wall paper in my bedroom listening to that song. It looked like someone had cut the pages from the 1910 Sears & Roebucks catalogue and glued them to my wall. "Fly Like and Eagle" by the Steve Miller Band brings back memories of watching my cousin preen himself in the mirror in South Philadelphia in the early 80s. MC Hammer reminds me of trips to Philly in the 90s.
It's nice, sometimes, to just get lost in music, to let the sound remove all other aspects of the world for a small amount of time. I wish I had been a better musician or could carry a tune. I admire and envy people who can make an instrument sing or raise the hair on my arms when they hit a note just right. My sister bought me a ticket to see Celtic Woman in the Spring and the sound of Amazing Grace coming from the bagpipes almost brought me to tears. On the other end of the spectrum the sound of AC/DC's "Thunder Struck" on the bagpipes at the Celtic Fling sent electricity into the air and made me want to grab some randy chap in a kilt and get pagan on his ass. Luckily I was able to refrain. It was but by the grace of God no one around me was wearing patchouli. All bets would have been off. :-D (Patchouli has an interesting effect on me, somewhat like catnip)
What is your favorite music? How does it make you feel? Tell me, I want to know!
Sara Smile
Earth, Wind & Fire - September
My cousin posted this on Facebook today and I probably listened to it about 6 times. I was chair dancing to it with my son's headphones over my ears so I could blast it straight into my brain. He walked into the room, stared at me, shook his head and left the room again.
Yeah, son, your mama likes to jam. A friend once described my preferred taste in music as 80s Pop and 70s Cheese. I think that sums it up well. I listen to a lot of different kinds of music but the common ground to everything I listen to is that it either delivers a fantastic message or it makes me want to snap my fingers and shake my assets. Earth, Wind & Fire is awesome, I love me some Tina Turner and James Brown. Gotta have my 80s classics (I'm looking at you Wham!) and my hair band rock ballads. Metallica and AC/DC changed my brain forever. I was positively in loooove with John Mellencamp and I really did want him to make it hurt so good because, well, sometimes love don't feel like it should.
I had wanted to take dance classes when I was a kid. It was a natural first step towards my inevitable career as a Solid Gold Dancer. However, I wasn't allowed. My mom claimed that "Christians don't dance." That was secret code for 'it's too expensive and I don't want to have to drive you anywhere.' So I went undiscovered and unfulfilled, secretly bopping around my room in the 80s to the enormous radio I inherited from my brother. It was decked out with a radio, a record player AND an 8-track deck. I can remember specific times in my life according to what songs I listened to at the time. "Manic Monday" by the Bangles reminds me of eating a hollow Easter bunny in my room. "Wild Wild West" by the Escape Club was popular when we moved in junior high. I remember staring at the hideous wall paper in my bedroom listening to that song. It looked like someone had cut the pages from the 1910 Sears & Roebucks catalogue and glued them to my wall. "Fly Like and Eagle" by the Steve Miller Band brings back memories of watching my cousin preen himself in the mirror in South Philadelphia in the early 80s. MC Hammer reminds me of trips to Philly in the 90s.
It's nice, sometimes, to just get lost in music, to let the sound remove all other aspects of the world for a small amount of time. I wish I had been a better musician or could carry a tune. I admire and envy people who can make an instrument sing or raise the hair on my arms when they hit a note just right. My sister bought me a ticket to see Celtic Woman in the Spring and the sound of Amazing Grace coming from the bagpipes almost brought me to tears. On the other end of the spectrum the sound of AC/DC's "Thunder Struck" on the bagpipes at the Celtic Fling sent electricity into the air and made me want to grab some randy chap in a kilt and get pagan on his ass. Luckily I was able to refrain. It was but by the grace of God no one around me was wearing patchouli. All bets would have been off. :-D (Patchouli has an interesting effect on me, somewhat like catnip)
What is your favorite music? How does it make you feel? Tell me, I want to know!
Sara Smile
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Day 19: Procrastination Problems
I have been procrastinating writing for the past few days for a number of reasons. I really want each and everyday to be a revelation, at least to myself. I want to have something to SAY that shows that yes, indeed, I am moving forward and succeeding, but I get trapped in the mundane and have trouble finding miracles in the kitchen sink.
I hate house work. Anyone who has ever been to my house can see that clearly. It's not that I don't know HOW to clean, I do, and I will shine the place up right nice when I get a hankerin' to do it. But I hate the minutia involved in housework. I want a nice, clean, organized environment but seriously, I don't want to be the one to spend the entire day standing at the sink to make it happen. Call me selfish, call me lazy, call me negative but I firmly believe there was a woman somewhere who would have found the cure for cancer had she not been stuck in the kitchen scraping egg yolks off the fork tines. One day, when I get myself even a little bit of money, I am hiring a house keeper.
I know that all things in life are connected to the other things in life so I must sit back and reflect a bit to ask myself where this comes from and whether or not it plays a role where I find myself now. I think one of the biggest things I hate about house work is that it is a thankless job that is never done. There will always be more laundry and more dishes and more dust and more something. Maybe it is the artist in me but I want to finish something and see it stay done. Cleaning up the same messes make me feel even more trapped in the same loop I've been stuck in all this time. It's not getting better, it stays at the same level of undone. Does that make sense?
Weight loss is the same thing. Paying bills is the same thing. You do all the work and it's still never done, you got to do it all again the next day and if you (I) can't find a way to do it that fulfills, then it becomes drudgery. I will never forget a moment I had when I worked at my son's daycare center. I was the cook there and I enjoyed the cooking, I got along fairly well with my co-workers and I loved the kids. But the job wasn't getting me out of debt, it wasn't even keeping my minimum payments on track and my son hated being there. We had a particularly rough morning one day, snow on the ground and my son wasn't feeling well, and I remember standing at the back kitchen door watching the cars go by thinking, "We sure do go to a lot of effort to get somewhere that neither of us wants to be." It was a turning point. I don't want to live a life of drudgery to earn a paycheck to pay the bills that don't stay paid so I can have a house to sleep in before I go back to work to make the money to pay for the house. It is insanity to me. I've worked since I was 17, I put myself through college, I worked full time as a single mom for many years before I was laid off at the beginning of the recession. I even went to grad classes part-time while working full time. Lord knows I'm no stranger to a hard day's work and I appreciate and respect people who get up and go to work everyday. I just think we are all missing out on something.
I realize I am idealistic. I acknowledge it is easy to sit back and wax philosophical about my earning potential with someone else paying for the roof over my head. Trust me people, and many others out there can vouch for me on this, if I could pay for my own roof I'd leave here with my purse and the clothes on my back, shoes optional. But I refuse to be exhausted, unfulfilled and stressed out about child care and travel if I can help it. I tolerate too much as it is, I want what I want for a change.
"Great," you say, "we all agree with you and wish you would go live your dreams so you stop complaining all the time." Thank you for your moral support. I suppose I am just having a difficult time laying down that foundation of success for myself because I have no clue what it feels or looks like. Most people, especially the people in my immediate vicinity, are programmed to get a job that provides insurance, contribute to their 401K and hope nothing catastrophic happens between now and retirement.
I didn't go to college to get a job, I went to college to 1) get the hell out of my house and 2) to be something. But I don't think I knew how to do that. I didn't know how to be myself and I still struggle with that now. I'm not sure anymore what is me and what is what I thought I should be. I resent all the times I went on a diet or exercise plan because someone harped on me about my weight and I wanted to please them or get approval from them or at least make them shut the hell up. I shouldn't resent anyone else for my own choices and reactions but I do and I am being honest about it. I get pissed off when someone remarks about my 'potential' when they clearly have no clue what a struggle it has been for me just to get out of bed and deal with my life in its present incarnation. I am to the point that I am leery of accepting a kindness from most people because, too many times in the past, when I've drawn boundaries for myself across the board, certain acts of kindness were held over my head from different people. And that's just me being honest. Emotions are not facts, though they often times bear the truth.
So when you only half-way trust yourself and you only half-way trust other people where does that leave you? Well...here, apparently. lol And at the mercy of chaos and anxiety, prone to doubt and depression and anger that never gets resolved. Speaking my mind often creates discord which I emotionally have a really hard time processing. I grew up in constant tension and I f***ing hate it. It infuriates me when my opinion is disregarded or morphed out of its original form or when I am labeled as stressed out or negative because I disagree with someone. I have a long history of not getting along with Type A personalities because it drives me bonkers that someone in a room behaves as though their opinion or thoughts are the ones that should be heard and applied. My own emotional filter reads their 'confidence' as 'arrogance' and I am set immediately on the defensive.
So I continue to try and figure out where that quiet place is, inside myself at least until I can find it externally, where I can trust who I am and what it is that I want and where I can let other people just be who and what they are without it compounding my own world. I think we all struggle with this, some more than others. I think if most people knew what it is I really think they wouldn't see me the same way ever again. But that's a conversation for another time.
Sara Smile
I hate house work. Anyone who has ever been to my house can see that clearly. It's not that I don't know HOW to clean, I do, and I will shine the place up right nice when I get a hankerin' to do it. But I hate the minutia involved in housework. I want a nice, clean, organized environment but seriously, I don't want to be the one to spend the entire day standing at the sink to make it happen. Call me selfish, call me lazy, call me negative but I firmly believe there was a woman somewhere who would have found the cure for cancer had she not been stuck in the kitchen scraping egg yolks off the fork tines. One day, when I get myself even a little bit of money, I am hiring a house keeper.
I know that all things in life are connected to the other things in life so I must sit back and reflect a bit to ask myself where this comes from and whether or not it plays a role where I find myself now. I think one of the biggest things I hate about house work is that it is a thankless job that is never done. There will always be more laundry and more dishes and more dust and more something. Maybe it is the artist in me but I want to finish something and see it stay done. Cleaning up the same messes make me feel even more trapped in the same loop I've been stuck in all this time. It's not getting better, it stays at the same level of undone. Does that make sense?
Weight loss is the same thing. Paying bills is the same thing. You do all the work and it's still never done, you got to do it all again the next day and if you (I) can't find a way to do it that fulfills, then it becomes drudgery. I will never forget a moment I had when I worked at my son's daycare center. I was the cook there and I enjoyed the cooking, I got along fairly well with my co-workers and I loved the kids. But the job wasn't getting me out of debt, it wasn't even keeping my minimum payments on track and my son hated being there. We had a particularly rough morning one day, snow on the ground and my son wasn't feeling well, and I remember standing at the back kitchen door watching the cars go by thinking, "We sure do go to a lot of effort to get somewhere that neither of us wants to be." It was a turning point. I don't want to live a life of drudgery to earn a paycheck to pay the bills that don't stay paid so I can have a house to sleep in before I go back to work to make the money to pay for the house. It is insanity to me. I've worked since I was 17, I put myself through college, I worked full time as a single mom for many years before I was laid off at the beginning of the recession. I even went to grad classes part-time while working full time. Lord knows I'm no stranger to a hard day's work and I appreciate and respect people who get up and go to work everyday. I just think we are all missing out on something.
I realize I am idealistic. I acknowledge it is easy to sit back and wax philosophical about my earning potential with someone else paying for the roof over my head. Trust me people, and many others out there can vouch for me on this, if I could pay for my own roof I'd leave here with my purse and the clothes on my back, shoes optional. But I refuse to be exhausted, unfulfilled and stressed out about child care and travel if I can help it. I tolerate too much as it is, I want what I want for a change.
"Great," you say, "we all agree with you and wish you would go live your dreams so you stop complaining all the time." Thank you for your moral support. I suppose I am just having a difficult time laying down that foundation of success for myself because I have no clue what it feels or looks like. Most people, especially the people in my immediate vicinity, are programmed to get a job that provides insurance, contribute to their 401K and hope nothing catastrophic happens between now and retirement.
I didn't go to college to get a job, I went to college to 1) get the hell out of my house and 2) to be something. But I don't think I knew how to do that. I didn't know how to be myself and I still struggle with that now. I'm not sure anymore what is me and what is what I thought I should be. I resent all the times I went on a diet or exercise plan because someone harped on me about my weight and I wanted to please them or get approval from them or at least make them shut the hell up. I shouldn't resent anyone else for my own choices and reactions but I do and I am being honest about it. I get pissed off when someone remarks about my 'potential' when they clearly have no clue what a struggle it has been for me just to get out of bed and deal with my life in its present incarnation. I am to the point that I am leery of accepting a kindness from most people because, too many times in the past, when I've drawn boundaries for myself across the board, certain acts of kindness were held over my head from different people. And that's just me being honest. Emotions are not facts, though they often times bear the truth.
So when you only half-way trust yourself and you only half-way trust other people where does that leave you? Well...here, apparently. lol And at the mercy of chaos and anxiety, prone to doubt and depression and anger that never gets resolved. Speaking my mind often creates discord which I emotionally have a really hard time processing. I grew up in constant tension and I f***ing hate it. It infuriates me when my opinion is disregarded or morphed out of its original form or when I am labeled as stressed out or negative because I disagree with someone. I have a long history of not getting along with Type A personalities because it drives me bonkers that someone in a room behaves as though their opinion or thoughts are the ones that should be heard and applied. My own emotional filter reads their 'confidence' as 'arrogance' and I am set immediately on the defensive.
So I continue to try and figure out where that quiet place is, inside myself at least until I can find it externally, where I can trust who I am and what it is that I want and where I can let other people just be who and what they are without it compounding my own world. I think we all struggle with this, some more than others. I think if most people knew what it is I really think they wouldn't see me the same way ever again. But that's a conversation for another time.
Sara Smile
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