Where the Magic Lives

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.  ~Bill Cosby

Try again.  Fail again.  Fail better.  ~Samuel Beckett

With a lot of research and a lot of personal honesty I had to admit that I've done some seriously dumb stuff to my body in the name of weight loss.  I've messed up my metabolism pretty badly and the only way to get weight off now is to build muscle, eat real food and be patient while my body heals and rebalances.  Patience is a virtue I am still working on.  I want what I want and I want it now and as a single mom I don't feel like I have a lot of time and money to burn. Maybe that's just the "American" in me.

This time around it's different though.  I realized that in all of my other weight loss attempts, every diet, every gym membership, every DVD I bought was done with the same goal...to become someone else...to become someone that I liked better than who I am and then everyone else would like me better too.  Right??  Umm, no, unfortunately I had to learn...no, FEEL, what I already knew:  Being anything other than the person you were put here to be will only end in frustration and confusion.  Sara at 250 lbs and Sara at 140 lbs have one common denominator....Sara.  And if I don't like me nothing else in the world will change much no matter where I go, who I'm with or what I weigh.

Thus we have the first challenge in any attempt to do any kind of personal growth.  Before a single bite is taken or a weight lifted I needed to learn how to come back to center and be comfortable there.  Just me.  I started doing that, unbeknownst to me, when I started studying and taking reiki classes.  You invariably come back to who you are because that is where the magic lives.  As that happened I started to see dynamics in relationships I no longer enjoyed, things I used to think were funny now seem kinda mean and I put certain foods in my mouth (foods that used to be sinful cravings) and they just don't taste good anymore.  I prefer the foods and sounds that come straight from nature and the peace of a book over the tv. 

I pray for release everyday: release from my own negativity, release of these emotions from my body, release of the identity tied to the past.  Only in releasing can we move forward, so I hear.  I am far from perfect.  Release has been a challenge for me.  There is a big part of me that INSISTS on being recognized and identified, perhaps even justified.  But I continue to try try try again.  As bad as it feels to be down, the idea of staying down is even more intolerable. 

Into the Dream

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about personal power, resolve, inner strength and all that jazz.  I wondered if there was a way to transfer strength from one part of your life into another, like moving funds from your savings into your checking...except without having to wait 3 business days for it to take effect.  I dozed lightly and remember having a minor dream, more of a slight glimpse really. 

In the dream a mermaid was being pulled out of the water by her hair.  Something about it made me think I was the person hauling the poor thing out of the breakers by her hair but yet another part of me also thought I was the mermaid being hauled in like a fish on a line.  My vantage point in the dream would have basically left me standing on top of the water facing the rock ledge.  I could see the mermaid's bare back.  I could see that her hair was long and brown.  I could see the water breaking and crashing against the rocks where she was being pulled up.  I could see more than 1 person....2 or 3 at least. 

I didn't know how to feel about the image.  Were they hurting her, catching her like a prize?  Was she injured and being assisted out of the rough surf the only way they could get hold of her?  Was she even alive at that point??  I could do nothing but watch. 

I woke and immediately knew I needed to remember this dream because there was something there in the images and symbols.  There was some answer to my question.  So I started researching mermaids, their myths and symbols.  They have been portrayed as everything from protectors to demons.  As half human, half sea creature they have also been used to symbolize duality of the higher consciousness living simultaneously with a primordial self.  They are also associated with intuition and emotions.  So what does any of this mean to me? http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art29791.asp

Well, I have been trying to listen more closely to my intuition and to allow my emotions to come to the surface.  Stuffing my emotions down and not listening to my intuition is what got me into this situation in the first place.  But why is she being pulled out of the sea by her hair? I have gone over and over this dream and these images in my head.  I am not sure what to make out of it.  I know the answer is simple and I will recognize it immediately when I see it or hear it.  I have noticed an increased level of synchronicity around  me, noticing the same images pop up over and over.  I am curious to see if I will continue to have 'mermaid sightings' around me the way I kept having owl images and references crop up before I found the book Writing Down the Soul (which happened to have a blue owl on the cover, which I did not notice until 2 days AFTER buying the book).  If I do have an answer to this dream I will be sure to update it here.  I am curious if anyone else can offer any insight into this dream.

Conviction

It's funny how we can have such serious convictions in one area but falter relentlessly in others.  Or maybe it's just me.  For instance, I have no qualms about walking into a supposedly haunted or paranormally active home or room and taking a look around.  I've even cleansed homes and rooms with prayer and reiki knowing the dangers of such things.  However, a box of donuts sends me into fits of emotional turmoil.  Ghosts I can handle.  Pastry leaves me shaking in the corner. 

I grew up in haunted houses, terrified of the dark and what might be in it.  I also grew up overweight, terrified of being made fun of. Why does one struggle early in life lend us strength and conviction and another leave us feeling weakened and small?  Maybe it's so we know what it feels like in one area so we can duplicate it in that Universal Life Struggle set of lessons we signed up for when we came down here.  Maybe it's to learn balance.  Maybe it's to give me something to blog about late at night.

I remember when I stopped being afraid of the darkness.  I was laying in bed, feeling something scratching my leg where nothing should have there to scratch it.  I was exhausted and desperately needed sleep and this 'thing' was keeping me up.  In my grumpy-ass, sleep deprived state of mind I finally had an "Oh HELL no" moment and demanded it leave me alone...like a wimpy kid finally standing up to the playground bully.  But how do you stand up to food?  Food is sustenance.  Food is fun.  Food is everywhere.  Is it even remotely the same thing?  I think not.  But I figured out how to be strong in the face of an intangible terror, shouldn't I be able to somehow translate that to my fear of feeling those emotions I stuff down with food the same way I used to squeeze my eyes shut and hide under a blanket? 

One thing I have figured out is that life gives us a never ending sheet of Practice Problems just like in Math class.  It's like the Universe is saying, "You wanted to learn long division, so here's a page of long division problems.  Now carry it around with you and practice using your skills to figure them out.  Some of them are tricky!  Don't forget to ask for help."  I guess, after all this time and practice, I still need work on my long division, so to speak.  I know I don't always review my knowledge or ask for help when I should.  Perhaps THAT is the bigger part of the lesson than the long division (or the ghosties or the evil donuts).  There is a lot of power in the simple act of releasing the need to be afraid of something, even before the courage to defeat it kicks in. 

My dear friend recently told me to "Stop Telling the Story."  That means to stop associating yourself with a piece of the past and reliving those emotions and labels stuck to it like gum on your shoe.  It happened, now thank it for its lessons and release it.  It's beautifully simple, isn't it?