Where the Magic Lives

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.  ~Bill Cosby

Try again.  Fail again.  Fail better.  ~Samuel Beckett

With a lot of research and a lot of personal honesty I had to admit that I've done some seriously dumb stuff to my body in the name of weight loss.  I've messed up my metabolism pretty badly and the only way to get weight off now is to build muscle, eat real food and be patient while my body heals and rebalances.  Patience is a virtue I am still working on.  I want what I want and I want it now and as a single mom I don't feel like I have a lot of time and money to burn. Maybe that's just the "American" in me.

This time around it's different though.  I realized that in all of my other weight loss attempts, every diet, every gym membership, every DVD I bought was done with the same goal...to become someone else...to become someone that I liked better than who I am and then everyone else would like me better too.  Right??  Umm, no, unfortunately I had to learn...no, FEEL, what I already knew:  Being anything other than the person you were put here to be will only end in frustration and confusion.  Sara at 250 lbs and Sara at 140 lbs have one common denominator....Sara.  And if I don't like me nothing else in the world will change much no matter where I go, who I'm with or what I weigh.

Thus we have the first challenge in any attempt to do any kind of personal growth.  Before a single bite is taken or a weight lifted I needed to learn how to come back to center and be comfortable there.  Just me.  I started doing that, unbeknownst to me, when I started studying and taking reiki classes.  You invariably come back to who you are because that is where the magic lives.  As that happened I started to see dynamics in relationships I no longer enjoyed, things I used to think were funny now seem kinda mean and I put certain foods in my mouth (foods that used to be sinful cravings) and they just don't taste good anymore.  I prefer the foods and sounds that come straight from nature and the peace of a book over the tv. 

I pray for release everyday: release from my own negativity, release of these emotions from my body, release of the identity tied to the past.  Only in releasing can we move forward, so I hear.  I am far from perfect.  Release has been a challenge for me.  There is a big part of me that INSISTS on being recognized and identified, perhaps even justified.  But I continue to try try try again.  As bad as it feels to be down, the idea of staying down is even more intolerable. 

Into the Dream

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about personal power, resolve, inner strength and all that jazz.  I wondered if there was a way to transfer strength from one part of your life into another, like moving funds from your savings into your checking...except without having to wait 3 business days for it to take effect.  I dozed lightly and remember having a minor dream, more of a slight glimpse really. 

In the dream a mermaid was being pulled out of the water by her hair.  Something about it made me think I was the person hauling the poor thing out of the breakers by her hair but yet another part of me also thought I was the mermaid being hauled in like a fish on a line.  My vantage point in the dream would have basically left me standing on top of the water facing the rock ledge.  I could see the mermaid's bare back.  I could see that her hair was long and brown.  I could see the water breaking and crashing against the rocks where she was being pulled up.  I could see more than 1 person....2 or 3 at least. 

I didn't know how to feel about the image.  Were they hurting her, catching her like a prize?  Was she injured and being assisted out of the rough surf the only way they could get hold of her?  Was she even alive at that point??  I could do nothing but watch. 

I woke and immediately knew I needed to remember this dream because there was something there in the images and symbols.  There was some answer to my question.  So I started researching mermaids, their myths and symbols.  They have been portrayed as everything from protectors to demons.  As half human, half sea creature they have also been used to symbolize duality of the higher consciousness living simultaneously with a primordial self.  They are also associated with intuition and emotions.  So what does any of this mean to me? http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art29791.asp

Well, I have been trying to listen more closely to my intuition and to allow my emotions to come to the surface.  Stuffing my emotions down and not listening to my intuition is what got me into this situation in the first place.  But why is she being pulled out of the sea by her hair? I have gone over and over this dream and these images in my head.  I am not sure what to make out of it.  I know the answer is simple and I will recognize it immediately when I see it or hear it.  I have noticed an increased level of synchronicity around  me, noticing the same images pop up over and over.  I am curious to see if I will continue to have 'mermaid sightings' around me the way I kept having owl images and references crop up before I found the book Writing Down the Soul (which happened to have a blue owl on the cover, which I did not notice until 2 days AFTER buying the book).  If I do have an answer to this dream I will be sure to update it here.  I am curious if anyone else can offer any insight into this dream.

Conviction

It's funny how we can have such serious convictions in one area but falter relentlessly in others.  Or maybe it's just me.  For instance, I have no qualms about walking into a supposedly haunted or paranormally active home or room and taking a look around.  I've even cleansed homes and rooms with prayer and reiki knowing the dangers of such things.  However, a box of donuts sends me into fits of emotional turmoil.  Ghosts I can handle.  Pastry leaves me shaking in the corner. 

I grew up in haunted houses, terrified of the dark and what might be in it.  I also grew up overweight, terrified of being made fun of. Why does one struggle early in life lend us strength and conviction and another leave us feeling weakened and small?  Maybe it's so we know what it feels like in one area so we can duplicate it in that Universal Life Struggle set of lessons we signed up for when we came down here.  Maybe it's to learn balance.  Maybe it's to give me something to blog about late at night.

I remember when I stopped being afraid of the darkness.  I was laying in bed, feeling something scratching my leg where nothing should have there to scratch it.  I was exhausted and desperately needed sleep and this 'thing' was keeping me up.  In my grumpy-ass, sleep deprived state of mind I finally had an "Oh HELL no" moment and demanded it leave me alone...like a wimpy kid finally standing up to the playground bully.  But how do you stand up to food?  Food is sustenance.  Food is fun.  Food is everywhere.  Is it even remotely the same thing?  I think not.  But I figured out how to be strong in the face of an intangible terror, shouldn't I be able to somehow translate that to my fear of feeling those emotions I stuff down with food the same way I used to squeeze my eyes shut and hide under a blanket? 

One thing I have figured out is that life gives us a never ending sheet of Practice Problems just like in Math class.  It's like the Universe is saying, "You wanted to learn long division, so here's a page of long division problems.  Now carry it around with you and practice using your skills to figure them out.  Some of them are tricky!  Don't forget to ask for help."  I guess, after all this time and practice, I still need work on my long division, so to speak.  I know I don't always review my knowledge or ask for help when I should.  Perhaps THAT is the bigger part of the lesson than the long division (or the ghosties or the evil donuts).  There is a lot of power in the simple act of releasing the need to be afraid of something, even before the courage to defeat it kicks in. 

My dear friend recently told me to "Stop Telling the Story."  That means to stop associating yourself with a piece of the past and reliving those emotions and labels stuck to it like gum on your shoe.  It happened, now thank it for its lessons and release it.  It's beautifully simple, isn't it? 

The Bucket List

I was asked tonight what is on my Bucket List.  The question threw me a bit, not exactly what I was expecting from bar conversation.  I had to stop and think.  I didn't come up with much at the time because, honestly, the last time I made a Bucket List I was in a different place in my mind.  Things have changed, priorities have shifted, some of my hopes became to big to hope for.  Not hoping for them was easier than the thought of wanting and never having.  However, since the whole idea of this blog was to be transparent and honest perhaps it is time for a new Bucket List.  I'll list a few just to start:

1.  Go to Ireland and sleep in a castle.  My maternal side is of Irish decent.  It's where I get my piss-and-vinegar spitfire nature, my love of whiskey shots and my ingrained ability to slap a smile on my face when the life around me sucks ass.  I want to see if standing on the 'Mother Land' makes me feel anything.

2.  Learn Gaelic.  I tried once, I got the language CDs from the library and burned them for future use however the nature of the language is crazy.  It just doesn't make sense to my stupid American brain.  I would like to try again.

3.  Finally and permanently remove this 100 lbs Sad Sack I have been lugging around. 

4.  Make sure Stella gets her groove back...and doesn't lose it again. (That was about sex, folks, in case you missed the reference.)

5.  Jump in the car and just start driving.  See things, stop at places, meet people. 

6.  I want to eat a real shrimp po' boy sandwich in New Orleans.

7.  Shake Stephen King's hand.

8.  Publish a book, or 3.

9.  Own a home of my own with a pool, a garden, a small greenhouse and 2 Irish wolfhounds loping across the backyard.

10.  Create a business model that specifically caters to helping single parents get on their feet emotionally and financially so women like me don't have to struggle to make ends meet and feel like they are never getting ahead.

11.  Visit Salem, Mass.  I really feel grief for the people accused of witchcraft.  That may sound silly to some considering how much strife is in the world today, how many bigger things there are to think about, but I still feel so saddened by the Salem Witch Trials.  I use oils and herbs and plants, I am opinionated, I am independent minded.  Let's face it...I would have been one of the broads hanging from a tree back then. 

12.  Become a certified personal trainer/massage therapist.

13.  Go out on a boat and see a whale swimming next to us.

14.  Compete in some kind of cooking show on TV.

15.   ???  I've been sitting here debating this one.  This is the item that used to say 'Get Married.'  Used to because this is one of those things I mentioned earlier that I kinda stopped hoping for.  I still want it, you have no idea how much. But in order for me to live my life NOW I had to get OK with being alone for the long haul.  That's not pessimism or bitterness.  It's the reality that not all relationships will be great or faithful or even good and no matter what happens or who comes in and out of my life ultimately I have to be able to be ok by myself because there are no guarantees in life.  I don't want to idly throw this one down on paper, it's simply too important to me.  So I will phrase it this way...before my time on Earth ends I would like to experience a truly great relationship in which I feel loved and respected and wanted.  And more importantly I want that person to let me love them back.  Whether that relationship is bound by vows and paper or just a mutual agreement of honesty and monogomy, I would like to know what that feels like. 

Tell Me Why

I didn't realize how long it has been since I've posted on this blog.  For those of you who were following my previous blog mission let me just say that I went on 'strike' as a friend put it.  Job searching, weight losing, money making, life changing...the more I tried the worse things seemed to turn out.  I concluded that either I was doing something wrong or I was following the wrong path.  I couldn't see through my frustration and stress so I decided to just, for the time being, to stop trying.  It felt more than a little pointless.  I didn't go anywhere I didn't have to go or do anything I didn't have to do.  Christmas was a Reader's Digest Condensed version compared to what I did previous years.  I had a recurring sinus/throat/ear thing so I just stayed home and hibernated.

That doesn't mean I stopped thinking or feeling or questioning.  I just ceased trying to force a verb out of myself.  Since the only things we have any control over in this reality are our own actions I questioned why I was doing what I was doing and why I wanted to do it, I questioned my own motivation and my true feelings.  Some of what I admitted to myself was a little unsettling.  Some of it I already knew but had never acted to deal with.  The more I stayed inside myself and watched the world around me (like a fish watching the world from inside the fish bowl) chains of events drew up in front of me that compounded my feelings and have made me question not just myself but everything about this patchwork quilt we all live under together: our social rules, our contradicting values, why we believe what we believe about why we're here...and you all thought I was just making pee jokes on Facebook with my free time. 
***Never underestimate the quiet people or the funny people. 

I have shared my own issues and ordeals from time to time.  I have many of my own crosses to bare and I freely admit I have not been stellar in the approach.  I've wasted a lot of time being depressed and pissed off.  When I watched the world through my little fish bowl I saw a lot of ordeal.  I saw a lot of what my human mind considers unfair.  A part of me really does believe that we have a contract with our Creator when we come into this life, we choose out struggles and our inadequacies.  However, and this was one of the harder things I admitted to myself, there is a part of me that wonders if we say that or think that so that we can force some kind of order into the chaos.  We feel special if we think a Benevolent Creator God chose us to carry a burden for a higher purpose.  It gives us reason to survive and shoulder on when we want to throw everything down and say, "Screw this, it's too hard, I want out."  But the human in me wonders if we really aren't just some random speck of dust, some alien petrie dish of no consequence what so ever.  Is it all just randomness?  Why carry on with Faith when Chance seems to come run rough shod over everything you've love? 

The feelings came to a head when my dear friend Yolanda's 7 yr old daughter was diagnosed with retinoblastoma, a form of eye cancer.  I felt punched in the gut, honestly.  Yolanda has endured so much in the past 2 years, more than anyone should ever have to go through.  This final news just seemed cruel.  When adults have to suffer it is terrible, especially when that suffering comes at the hands of other careless adults.  To see an innocent child have to endure something like this made me lose heart.  I mentally pounded my fists and questioned the Sky, 'WHY?  Why the little one?  Why the innocent?  Why are perverts and pedophiles, criminals and general assholes walking along the street perfectly healthy while a child falls ill?"  I want an answer, I really do.  And not from another human, I want an answer from the Source, if It is there at all.  Let's go old school...hell, lets go Old Testament.  Burn me a bush and talk to me.  I have a 6 foot ewe hedge next to the house.  Light it up, G, let's have a conversation!

I admire those of you who stand in the center of what I see as chaos and clutter, and smile with Grace and Humility.  I know my eyes look through a filter of my own experiences.  I see through a dusty haze of past troubles and stress.  Please understand that I don't want to be the pissy one all the time, it's just that much of what I have known has been stress, strife, negativity, insecurity and heartache.  I come to this blog and this day wanting to understand myself so regardless of what happens or Who is in charge, I don't dread each day wondering what shoe will drop next.  At one point in my teenage years (the summer before 11th grade) my family was basically homeless, not necessarily because of anything my parents did wrong.  My dad had been laid off, filed bankruptcy, my mom was ill and couldn't work, then our landlord's son lost his own job and we had to move so he could live in our house.  There was no money and no where in the school district for us to go for 6 weeks.  In that same time year my mom tested positive for Huntington's disease, a genetic and untreatable disease that took the life of her father, 9 of her 11 aunts and uncles, eventually her and now her sister is in a nursing home in Philly with it.  Do you understand that while all of you were giggling about boys and buying the latest shoes and hanging out at the pool I was being show a picture of my own personal Reaper?  The disease runs on a dominant gene so chances are, all or most of us descended from a carrier will have it. 

Fast forward to 1998.  My paternal grandfather, Poppop Cuthbert, passed away from age and untreated pneumonia.  Stubborn old coot wouldn't ask for help until he was too weak to get to the phone.  By the time my uncle found him he was past the point of no return.  At the burial, as my cousins stepped away to give me room to lay my rose on the casket, I see for the first time my paternal grandmother's headstone.  I was named after her so it was more than a little unsettling to see my own name on a gravestone.  Less than an hour later on the drive to the post-funeral luncheon my mom suffered a massive heart attack (brought on my the HD weakening her organs and body functions for 10 years) and died in front of us.  I remember watching the fire trucks roll up, the EMTs telling us we might not want to watch them attempt resuscitation and thinking, "She won't die here.  God doesn't let people die during a funeral, that would be cruel."  But she did.  It was a slap-in-the-face reminder that there is an expiration date for each and every one of us.  So I have been trying to find meaning in this crazy life, looking for things to make sense.  I WANT this struggle to be of value, to mean something.

So when my little 7 yr old friend, who ate s'mores at my house and flirted like a pro with my son (uh oh, she likes older men already!) was diagnosed I started asking other people, people who have experience the unexplainable hardships in life or who see them daily, how they continue to go on.  How do they continue to give a damn each and every day.  I got a lot of great answers, many of them leaning on the idea that there is a God and He is good and no one suffers needlessly, it only feels that way when we assume our Earthly lives are all there is.  The answer that hit most beautifully came from my friend, Mike.  He is a firefighter in Virginia and I asked his opinion since it is his JOB to respond to the 'worst case scenarios'.  He told me a story about 2 brothers from the NYFD who responded to 9-11, how they made sure to tell the other they loved him knowing this situation was bad and they may not come back out, yet ran in anyway.  Neither of them came out alive. 

Mike said,

"I am blessed to be a part of something greater than myself. I see the love that people have for one another every day, though it may often be far more subtle than the suffering. That is where I find God. My faith gets shaken constantly, yet God seems to be around there, if I listen or look for "him"."

Congratulations Mike, you made me cry, and coming from someone who SWORE no man would ever make her cry again, that's a pretty big deal. :-)

Awhile ago I posted a Facebook status saying I needed to find a better reason to give a damn, a bigger reason than Should or Need To because, like I said, I think we are horribly contradictory in our actions and values.  Let me give you an example.  In our world, we relate to what we find valuable in many ways, one of them is through money.  As I was flipping through TV channels, Charlie "Hot Mess" Sheen was being talked about on not 1 but 3 different stations.  The ticker at the bottom of one screen stated he made $2 million dollars PER EPISODE filming his show.  With 8 or 9 episodes per season, that's a serious chunk o'change for someone who publicly behaves in ways most Americans would consider inappropriate.  Then why does he get such a huge market value??  I flipped the channel again.  Jersey Shore.  Let me publicly state, on the record, that I despise this show.  Why?  They are not intelligent people, they have no real skills to contribute to humanity, they are shallow, foul, inappropriate, promiscuous, and sometimes violent.  The only real boost these fools may have given to society is few more jobs at the Valtrex plant.  I don't care if you find them funny or not, I'm not debating taste in humor, what appalls me is that they exemplify everything we tell our children NOT to be yet they make, as of July 2010, $30,000 per episode.  Multiply that by 8 episodes, add in the $20,000 to $80,000 they each make for personal appearances outside of the show and what you have is the message to world that in America, it pays to be stupid.  The kids from The Hills brought in anywhere from $90,000 to $125,000 per episode.  The New Jersey Housewives? $30,000 per episode plus appearances.

You want to know what teachers in Pennsylvania make on average?  Depending on region and years of experience it ranges from $26,000 to $50,000 per year.  Not episode.  Per year.  And to the best of my knowledge, they don't get paid extra for showing up outside of school.  How about our brave firefighters?  $30-50 thousand a year to run into dangerous and life threatening conditions.  What about the EMT who keeps you from dying outside of the hospital...$20-40 grand a year to save your ass.  Military service...$15-30 thousand depending on years of active service and rank for most enlisted soldiers.  (If anyone had more accurate info on that please let me know, because that breaks my heart, I sure hope my research wasn't correct).

Do you understand what I'm getting at?  Why do people who act terribly receive better financial compensation that the people who spend their lives trying to make the world a better place?  Why do non-profits created to help the people and animals and the Earth we live on struggle to get funding?  Why are intelligent people's manuscripts rejected by publishing houses due to lack of interest or funding yet Snookie has a book out? 

TELL ME WHY!!

Either enough people find it acceptable or the people who don't think it's fair haven't made enough noise.  I don't want to be someone who silently accepts what I don't like around me but shrugs it off with the "I can't do anything about it" mentality...and that's what I HAVE been doing.  I did it because it was too hard to see and deal with and I felt out numbered.  If I am to be a casualty of Huntington's disease, breast cancer, a drunk driver or just good old-fashioned old age, I want my time on Earth to mean something whether there is a God in heaven or we're just a bunch of atoms spinning around a big rock. 

My idea is a small one, but its a first step in the direction I want to move in.  I want to help the people who need help and support the organizations who make it possible for us to love and support one another.  I have been involved in a weight loss challenge for the past year and I have been struggling with motivation.  There are cash prizes for the top 3 winners (who are also losers....strange) but that's not enough.  We do a Pound for Pound donation to the food bank however I have never participated.  I would have to use food stamps to buy food to give to the food bank and that just kinda doesn't make much sense.  It's robbing Peter to pay Paul. 

I was inspired to do this by a woman named Mary Jacobson, a cancer survivor who competes in Strongman events to raise money for charity.  She was told she had cancer and was going to die, she had made arrangements for her daughter's care, picked out a caske...and then beat it.  That was years ago.  If you attend an amateur Strongman event you can't miss her...just look for the blond hair and the gun show.  So I will reach down and pull my head out once again for this whole weight loss/better health thing for a better reason than 'I want to win money or feel prettier'.  I will personally donate $1 for every pound I lose from now until the last weigh in of this challenge rotation (in April) and that money will go to charity.  If I do win one of the cash prizes I will add a 10% tithe to the dollar/lb total and I invite anyone who reads this and feels halfway inspired to sponsor me.  I don't care if it's only 5 cents per pound, what I want is for all of us to shift our intentions towards placing the financial value in the hands of those our hearts value, which is where it belongs.  After much debating I decided the final total will go to CaringBridge.org on Yolanda's daughter's behalf.  CaringBridge.org is a free online journal service where anyone experiencing a health crisis can create a personal profile on where they can post updates on their condition.  It allows friends and loved ones to stay updated and offer words of love and encouragement.  We have been using it to keep abreast of Yolanda's daughter's treatment and condition and I love the site already.

So what do you think?  Anyone besides me ready to put their money where their mouth is??

Day 85: The Law of Least Effort

Nature's intelligence functions with effortless ease...

with carefreeness, harmony and love.

And when we harness the forces of harmony, joy and love ,

we create success and good fortune with effortless ease.

- The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra

I fell away from writing and keeping track because I have felt like my efforts have failed.  My Quantum Leap has been anything but and I have been frustrated (and rather grumpy about it) for quite some time.  I simply didn't know what to do about it.  I felt like the harder I tried the worse things seem to get and I figured, "Hell, why bother trying if it will only get worse."

I went to the trusty Public Library for an iced coffee and hopefully a copy of the book "The E-Myth Revisited".  It was recommended to me by a friend who is doing quite well on the financial and investment fronts.  As usual, what I thought  I was looking for turned out not to be what I apparently needed.  Instead, right there in the middle of the business section was this conspicuously out-of-place little book by Deepak Chopra (whom I loooooove).  It is a small book with 7 short chapters.  And possibly the most pivotal book I've read in years, rivaled only by Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav which helped to bring me up from post-partum depression and grief from the mess of a life I found myself in at the time.

Basically the gist of what I've been doing wrong is simply this....I've been trying too damn hard.  I come from a frame of mind that obstacles need to be punched through, torn down, cursed at and stomped on.  I am absolutely guilty of walking into a situation with a pre-conceived, worst case scenario already in place in my head, bracing myself for disaster and disappointment. 

On page 41 of the book he states:

Most of us, as a result of conditioning, have repetitious and predictable responses to the stimuli in our environment.  Our reactions seem to be automatically triggered by people and circumstances, and we forget that these are still choices that we are making in every moment of out existence.  We are simply making these choices unconsciously.

My natural reaction is that life has to be struggled through.  That's what I've lived from the moment of my birth to the very act of getting out of bed this morning.  I came into this world pre-mature, a C-section damn near by flashlight thanks to a Somerset blizzard, and spent many days and nights in the hospital with jaundice, infections, insanely high fevers, etc.  As a family we've been broke, screamed at, smacked, teased, belittled at home and at school.  I was painfully shy and paralyzingly self-conscious so social situations always have a stain of panic and paranoia for me.  At one point in time, and I know I've mentioned this before, my family was technically homeless for a month and a half the summer of my Junior year of high school.  My knee-jerk reaction to everyday life has always been, even in the best of times, "What's going to go wrong next?"  So I psych myself up, go balls to the wall and try to POUND my Intentions out of the Universe.  I can hear Dr. Phil now...."How's that workin' for ya?"

It's not.  Clearly, it's not.

Since the weight loss challenge began I have gained 11 lbs, lost 7 of it in one week only to gain 6 again the next week.  Not only did I not get a job but my child support 'went away' as well and shows no sign of returning.  I've had to come to terms with the fact that a few of my relationships that I've been holding onto are not what I was hoping they would be.  That was hard.  Harder than a lot of other realizations and I have been experiencing a certain sense of grieving over the loss, not of a friend, but of my projected ideals. 

So what's a girl to do?  According to what I read, there are 3 things:

1) Acceptance.  Acceptance of people, places, events and situations as they occur, without judgement of whether anything is 'good or bad' because the hand that moves the world pulls the switches in exactly the right order according to the decisions we've made in the past.  This moment is the culmination of all those other moments and we got here exactly the way we needed to get here according to the choices we've made.  "When you struggle against this moment, you're actually struggling against the entire universe." (p. 57)

Not only am I getting upset about a chain of events that I have played a part in putting in motion, but I am reacting to my feelings toward the situation.  Deepak says, "These are your feelings and your feelings not someone else's fault."  Damn, that means I gotten deal with this shit myself! lol

2)Responsibility.  You can't blame anyone else for your situation, including yourself.  Those things we call problems are not growling monsters under the bed, they are simply a set of circumstances and within all of those problems are the seeds of opportunity.  It is never too late to take a situation and turn it into something much more beneficial to the life you want.  I LOVE what he says on page 59. 

"Reality is an interpretation."

3)Defenselessness.  That's the hardest of the 3 for me because my reaction is a constant state of being ready to defend....myself, my opinions, my ideas, my possessions, my son.  Relinquishing the need to defend your point of view simply frees up mental and emotional energy.  It's like unplugging the TV for a week and realizing how much more time you have to get things accomplished.  I'll be honest, I'm going to have to take Deepak's word on this one because I am still in a finger-pointing, cussing and fussing kinda place.  I am getting better at reminding myself not to judge the people or situation, I tell myself to breath and be at peace but the pin-ball machine in my brain will still get the better of me.  But I will continue to work on it.

There are a lot of other things in the book.  Lots of good things in such a small package, who knew?  As I glanced through the recommended reading in the back of the book I noticed one about a whole body approach to insomnia.  Yeah, I'll be reading that one next!  I will make an effort to make less of an effort.  If that actually works I'll simply be floored. 

Sara Smile

Day 61: Greetings from your Friendly Neighborhood Insomniac

Happy Halloween and Blessed Samhain, it's 4 am, do you know where your sanity is?  I seem to have misplaced mine.

I am more than halfway through this 120 Days and where am I now?  Well, I have gained weight, lost income and am now afflicted with a nifty case of insomnia.  That's pretty much the opposite of what I've been trying to do.  I've circulated many theories and reasons why, when I TRY to improve, things seem to get worse.  Why, when I want to ask for help or be proactive about my health, I am told that I can't be seen because I was given incorrect information.  When I need money I am told I'm too broke to give money to.  My numbers on paper don't meet the requirements.  I'm frustrated.  No, I've gone beyond frustrated.  I've gone beyond depressed.  I'm straight up pissed off.  I'm tired of giving a shit.  If something were HAPPENING, if a desired result was coming from my efforts then I could find something to grab onto but right now I'm just, well, insulted.  I feel lied to.  Being honest and hard working and moral and fair, doing the right thing and standing up for my ideals, praying and trying to have faith, it just doesn't seem to work for me.  Maybe I'm not doing something right.  I'm sure someone out there has some scripture ready to do already.  Either way I've been struggling to continue to find a reason to give a shit. 

If I could put it to you in visual terms I feel like I'm on this Cosmic rubber band and I run and try to get away from where I am but then the rubber band snaps me back to where I was and the inertia of the 'snap' carries me backwards to where I started and then some.  I keep ending up back at square 1.  I'm not looking for a $100 million lottery win or fame or miracles.  I just want something to work.  I want information I can use and that will help me.  (BTW...here's a fun tidbit of info...I recently found out that when you are collecting welfare benefits the assistance office will pay for a car repair so long as you are working...had I know that I could have gotten my car fixed 3 months ago when I was still on a payroll.  That's what I get for not playing the system). 

I've been having quite the interesting dialogue with God.  I've written and erased this paragraph about 3 times.  I don't know if I want to share what I've been discussing with God.  I don't know if I have the patience or the emotional stability for the debate that would ensue.  I don't know if I am really ready to let everyone see who I really am and how I really think.  I have always held the opinion that if you really knew me you wouldn't like me as much.  I wouldn't validate something for you anymore and I have trouble dealing with the thought that people just won't like me.  Perhaps therein lies the problem.  I am not living as authentically as I should be because to do that I would end up rocking the boat.  I would lose friends, I would disappoint family and then if that happens who do I have to turn to?  On the occasions that I have expressed my truer, more repressed feelings I have been accused to being stressed out or just being a miserable bitch.  Right now, I don't have the fight in me.  I can't sleep, I'm overwhelmed, I'm disappointed and I am facing the disturbing reality that I may very well not even be the 'average' that I hoped to avoid.  I wanted to be the voice of encouragement and success, the person who battled the obstacles and came out on top...but fear, instead, that I will never be more than the person reading those stories of success thinking, "I want to be like them."  My worst fear is not death.  It's that I really will end up like my parents in life...and I am seeing horrifying signs that THAT is the road I am on...yet no matter what I do, I can't seem to find an exit.  I am circling around the block.

What exactly defines the 'dark night of the soul?'  Does every person who attempted to be more than they presently were encounter this?  How do you know what is a divine challenge of your strength and what is a cosmic STOP sign?